THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


FANTASTIC  COMEDY 

In  Three  Acts 


BY 

HARRY  L.  NEWTON 

AUTHOR  OF 

All  on  Account  of  Polly”  ''The  Corner  Drug  Store”  "Everyyouth” 
"The  Goodfellow”  "Good  Mornin'  Judge,''  "The  Heiress 
of  Hoetown/'  "Jayville  Junction,"  "The  Little  Red 
School  House”  "A  Rehearsal  at  Ten,”  "The 
Rest  Cure,”  "Teacher  Kin  I Go 
Home?”  "When  the  Circus 
Came  to  Town,”  etc. 


CHICAGO 

T.  S.  DENISON  & COMPANY 

Publishers 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


CHARACTERS. 


Herman  Heinie ,A  German  Doll  Maker 

Bud  Barlow A College  Youth 

Tommy  Tucker The  ''Darling  Child'' 

Willard  Peck The  Mysterious  Stranger 

Clarice Bud's  Sweetheart 

Toots  Snodgrass The  House  Maid 

Mrs.  Heinie The  Old  Doll  Maker's  Second  Wife 

Dora  Mee A Neighbors  Daughter 


Note. — The  character  of  the  old  German  doll  maker  will  be  just 
as  effective  if  “done”  in  other  dialect. 


Act  I — Living  room  in  Herman's  house.  Morning. 
Act  II — The  same.  Afternoon. 

Act  hi — Lawn  in  front  of  Herman's  house.  Evening. 


Time — The  Present. 


Place — Happy  Hollow,  New  Hampshire. 


Time  of  Playing — About  Two  Hours. 


Note. — Production  of  this  play  is  free  to  amateurs,  but  the  sole 
professional  rights  are  reserved  by  the  Publishers. 


COPYRIGHT,  1917,  BY  EBEN  H.  NORRIS. 


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THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


3 


S / ^ 
i4<?  ' 


COSTUMES  AND  CHARACTERISTICS. 

' Herman  Heinie— A quaint,  lovable  old  German,  about 
55.  Gray  wig  and  smoothly  shaven  face.  “Cracked  on  the 
subject  of  discovering  the  spark  of  life  that  it  may  be 
adapted  to  his  newest  and  most  wonderful  of  doll  creations. 
In  Acts  I and  II  wears  blue  shirt,  long  apron  and  dark 
trousers.  In  Act  HI,  white  shirt,  lounging  coat  and  dark 
trousers. 

Bud  Barlow— Bright,  snappy  college  youth.  Change  to 
Mephisto  costume  in  Act  I.  Last  act,  ordinary  business 
suit. 

Tommy  Tucker— “Silly  Kid”  type.  About  19  years  of  age. 
In  Acts  I and  II  wears  shirt  waist,  knee  pants,  long  stock- 
ings and  large  bow  tie.  In  Act  HI  changes  to  ill-fitting  suit 
with  long  trousers,  much  too  tight,  and  short  coat  with 
flower  in  button  hole.  Wears  an  old-fashioned  der^  hat 
which  is  two  sizes  too  small  and  which  he  has  great  difficulty 
in  keeping  on  head. 

Willard  Peck — About  26  years  of  age.  Wears  a rusty 
black  suit  and  high  silk  hat.  Eccentric  in  manner  and  speech.. 

- Clarice. — A sweet  young  girl  of  about  19.  Wears  pretty 
ogown  in  first  part  of  Act  I,  changing  to  doll  dress  and  blonde 
?doll  wig.  In  Act  HI,  pretty  summer  dress. 

1-  Toots  Snodgrass — A typical  “Sis  Hopkins’’  character, 
""with  drawling  speech  and  stupid  actions.  Wears  calico  dress 
and  apron  in  Acts  I and  II  and  gorgeous  evening  gown  in 
^Act  III. 

Mrs.  Heinie — Talkative,  handsome  woman  of  about  40. 
oWears  modest  gowns  in  Acts  II  and  HI  and  handsome 
^evening  gown  in  Act  HI. 

- Dora  Mee— Aged  about  17.  First  appearance,  wears  sum- 
„,mer  frock  and  sunbonnet.  In  Acts  II  and  III,  pretty 

summer  frocks. 

« 

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■J) 


i 


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THE  SPARK  OP  LIFE 


STORY  OF  THE  PLAY. 

Herman  Heinie,  an  eccentric  genius  and  doll  maker,  has 
prefected  a wonderful  mechanical  doll  which  he  calls  his 
Masterpiece.  It  is  made  in  the  image  of  his  niece,  Clarice, 
and  is  a most  lifelike  creation.  He  has  become  obsessed 
with  the  idea  that  he  can  endow  it  with  life  and  his  search 
for  the  life  principle  is  rapidly  undermining  his  reason. 
While  he  is  beloved  by  his  son  Tommy  and  his  niece,  he 
is  hen-pecked  by  his  second  wife,  who  has  no  sympathy 
with  his  life  work. 

Bud  Barlow,  a college  youth  in  love  with  Clarice,  realizes 
the  seriousness  of  his  condition  and  consults  a physician. 
He  is  advised  to  make  Herman  believe  that  he  has  succeeded 
in  his  search,  and  then,  by  a sudden  revelation  or  shock, 
restore  the  old  man’s  reason.  Herman  has  made  up  his 
mind  to  call  to  his  aid  the  power  of  the  Evil  One  and  Bud 
plots  with  Clarice  to  disguise  himself  as  Mephisto  and  have 
her  impersonate  the  doll. 

It  works.  Apparently  the  doll  comes  to  life  and  Herman 
is  delighted.  He  plans  to  have  her  and  his  son  Tommy 
marry.  The  mysterious  stranger  appears,  and  Herman, 
thinking  he  is  trying  to  steal  his  invention,  drives  him  away. 
Many  complications  ensue.  Mrs.  Heinie  falls  in  love  with 
his  Satanic  Majesty,  making  Clarice  jealous.  Toots,  the 
house  maid,  who  is  in  love  with  Tommy,  also  becomes  jeal- 
ous when  she  sees  him  making  love  to  Clarice.  Then  the 
Masterpiece  disappears  and  Herman  is  left  disconsolate  with 
his  plans  all  gone  awry. 

So  Bud  abandons  his  disguise  and  is  shunned  by  everyone 
except  Toots,  who  plans  with  him  to  bring  the  lovers  to- 
gether again.  Clarice  confesses  to  Herman  the  deception 
played  upon  him.  At  first  he  is  overcome  with  disappoint- 
ment, but  gradually  his  reason  asserts  itself  and  makes  a new 
man  of  him.  He  resolves  to  give  up  his  useless  search  and 
to  no  longer  be  ruled  by  his  shrewish  wife.  Bud  assists  in 
the  reconciliation  of  Toots  and  Tommy  and  is  about  to 
straighten  out  his  own  tangled  love  afifair  when  the  mysteri- 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


5 


ous  stranger  again  appears  with  information  which  threatens 
to  upset  everything.  However,  love  triumphs ; Peck  is  be- 
trothed to  Dora  Mee  and  the  three  couples  are  reunited. 
'Herman,  now  master  of  his  household,  surveys  the  spoon- 
ing couples  and  concludes  that  at  last  he  has  found  the 
Spark  of  Life  for  which  he  has  been  searching,  in  the  love 
1 affairs  of  the  young  folks. 


SYNOPSIS. 

Act  I.  Plerman  Heinie,  the  eccentric  doll  maker  of 
Happy  Hollow,  searching  for  the  Spark  of  Life  with  which 
to  put  the  breath  of  life  into  his  Masterpiece.  Toots,  the 
maid  of  all  work,  who  is  afraid  of  work,  but  knows  how 
to  extract  a.  tip.  ‘‘AinT  he  just  splen-did.’’  The  Mephis- 
tophelian  plot  which  brings  the  doll  to  life.  Everybody 
happy,  but  not  for  long.  The  Mysterious  Stranger.  ‘T  beg 
your  pardon.’’  The  dream  come  true,  but — 

Act  II.  In  which  Mrs.  Heinie  falls  in  love  with  the 
devil,  and  the  road  of  true  love  has  many  twists  and  turns. 
The  Mysterious  Stranger  who  would  not  ''stay  put.”  A 
new  recipe  for  angel  food  spoiled  by  too  many  cooks.  The 
Masterpiece  disappears.  Sixes  and  sevens.  "I’ll  paint  my 
face  and  be  a real  lady.” 

Act  hi.  "Everybody  hates  everybody  they  shouldn’t  and 
everybody  loves  everybody  they  shouldn’t.”  Bud,  the  cause 
of  it  all,  as  popular  as  an  Indian  with  the  smallpox.  The 
deception  disclosed.  Herman  turns  over  a new  leaf.  "I 
bought  a new  pair  of  trousers  yesterday,  and,  by  golly,  I’m 
going  to  wear  them  from  now  on.”  The  worm  turns ; back 
to  the  kitchen  where  you  belong.  The  fifty-thousand-dollar 
legacy  sacrificed  for  love.  A triple  courtship.  "All  my  life 
I’ve  been  searching  for  the  Spark  of  Life,  and  now  at  last 
I’ve  found  it.  It’s  love,  that’s  what  it  is — love.”  "Ain’t 
he  just  splen-did.” 


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THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


LIST  OF  PROPERTIES. 

Act  I — Broom  and  bits  of  paper.  Several  coins  for  Bud. 
Water  pail  and  sponge.  Crash  box,  off  stage.  Small  pack- 
age of  flashlight  powder.  Rachet,  to  produce  cranking 
sound. 

Act  II — Cook  book.  Large  spoon.  Baking  pan.  Large 
china  bowl.  Small  bag  of  flour.  Two  eggs.  Can  of  mus- 
tard. Orange.  Horse  pistol.  Dishpan  and  towel. 

Act  III — Three  or  four  flower  pots,  to  break.  Pipe, 
tobacco  and  match,  for  Herman.  Legal  document,  for  Peck. 
Electric  torch,  for  Herman. 


SCENE  PLOT. 
Acts  I and  H. 

Backing 


H C.  Door 


Fire-piace 


Sofa 


Act  III. 

Back  Drop,  Wood  or  Meadow  View 


Picket  Fence 


Steps 


\ Gate  h 


Hammock 


F>icket  Fence  Wood  Wings 
Wood  Wings 
L.  


Bench 


2nd  Entrance  Wings 
Wood  Wings 


STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 

R,  means  right  of  stage;  C.,  center;  R.C,,  right  center; 
L,,  left ; R.  D.,  right  door ; L,  D.,  left  door,  etc. ; 1 E.,  first 
entrance;  U,  E.,  upper  entrance;  R.  3 E.,  right  entrance, 
up  stage,  etc. ; D.  E.,  door  in  flat  or  scene  running  across  back 
of  the  stage ; up  stage,  away  from  footlights ; down  stage, 
near  footlights ; 1 G.,  first  groove,  etc.  The  actor  is  sup- 
posed to  be  facing  the  audience. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


I 

^ Act  I. 

Scene:  Living  room  in  Herman’s  house.  Morning. 

‘Old-fashioned  furniture  and  pictures.  At  back,  L.  of  C., 
■s  a large  cabinet,  with  curtains  so  arranged  that  they  can 
'be  drawn  apart  by  strings  from  wings.  At  C.  are  double 
doors,  opening  into  Herman’s  workshop.  There  is  a large 
\ fireplace  at  R.  2.  A small  dining  table  with  red  cloth  is 
\ down  L.  Sofa  down  R.  Door  at  upper  R.  leading  into 
adjoining  room.  Door  at  upper  L.  opening  into  garden. 
At  rise,  lights  full  on. 

Enter  Toots  frorn  R.  She  has  a broom  and  sweeps  floor 
as  she  enters.  Sweeps  a quantity  of  paper  and  litter  under 
a small  rug,  then  replaces  rug  and  drops  exhausted  into 
' a chair. 

Toots.  Oh,  dear  me  suds!  I do  wish  somethin’  would 
happen.  I mean  somethin’  besides  work.  But  there  won’t 
nothin’  happen.  Me,  Toots  Snodgrass,  the  purtiest  gal  in 
seven  states,  havin’  to  work  all  the  blessed  time.  An’  I got 
such  a lovin’  disposition,  too.  But  so  far  in  my  beautiful 
existence  it  ain’t  got  me  no  place.  I ain’t  noticed  no  mad 
rush  to  lead  me  to  the  church  altar.  {Looks  about.)  Mighty 
queer  doin’s  in  this  here  house.  Old  Mr.  Heinie  is  at  work 
on  his  Masterpiece — whatever  that  is ; he  don’t  allow  nobody 
to  go  in  his  workshop.  Well,  I ain’t  a-goin’  to  break  my 
neck  to  git  in  there.  Him  and  his  crazy  ideas  has  got  me 
plumb  scared  to  death.  {Loud  knock  on  door  L.  She  jumps 
with  fright.)  Gosh!  There  goes  three  years  more  off  of 
my  young  life. 

Enter  Bud,  L.,  hurriedly.  Stops  abruptly  in  front  of 
Toots. 

Bud.  Why,  how  do  you  do!  I never  expected  to  find 
you  here.  You  are  {names  some  prominent  actress),  are 
you  not? 


7 


8 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Toots.  Yes,  I am — not! 

Bud.  Oh,  I get  you  now.  At  first  glance  I took  you 
for  {prominent  actress).  I see.  You  are  Miss  Toots  Snod- 
grass. {She  smiles.)  Is  Miss  Clarice  in? 

Toots.  Well,  maybe  she  be,  and  then  agin,  maybe  she 
beant.  It  all  depends.  {Holds  out  her  hand.) 

Bud  {laughs).  I see.  {Takes  coin  from  pocket.)  Is  she 
in  or  out  ? 

Toots  {reaches  for  coin).  I think  she  be.  {Takes  coin.) 
Yes — I think  she  be. 

Bud  {takes  off  hat  and  extends  it  to  her).  My  hat.  Toots. 
Toots  {looks  curiously  at  hat).  Yes — so  it  be. 

Bud  {laughs).  Well,  take  it. 

Toots.  Where  to? 

Bud.  Hang  it  up. 

Toots.  Hang  it  up  yourself  an'  see  if  I care. 

Bud  {laughs).  All  right.  {Throws  hat  in  corner.)  Now 
please  tell  Miss  Clarice  I am  here. 

Toots.  That'll  be  extra.  {Holds  out  hand  for  tip.) 

Bud  {produces  coin).  Here  you  are.  Now  hurry. 
Toots  {takes  coin).  Hurryin'  is  extra. 

Bud.  Say,  you're  the  wisest  foolish  person  I ever  met. 
{Puts  another  coin  in  her  hand.)  Now  on  your  merry  way. 

Toots  {crosses  to  R.,  aside).  Ain't  he  just  splen-did. 
{Exit  R.)  Enter  Clarice,  L. 

Clarice.  Why,  hello.  Bud  Barlow. 

Bud  {whirling  about  and  facing  her).  Hello,  Clarice. 
{Rushes  to  embrace  her,  as — ) 

Toots  enter  L.  They  embrace  at  C. 

Toots.  Say  Mr.  Barlow — oh,  excuse  me;  you  found  her. 
{Foolish  giggle.) 

Bud  {releases  Clarice  and  faces  Toots).  Miss  Snod- 
grass, you  are  supposed  to  leave  the  room. 

Toots  {significantly) . Well,  thatTl  be  extra.  {Holds  out 
hand.) 

Bud  {produces  coin  and  hands  it  to  Toots).  All  right. 
Now  exceed  the  speed  limit — your  fine  is  paid. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


9 


Toots  {taking  coin).  All  right.  Thank  you.  {Starts 
toward  R.) 

Bud.  Just  a moment,  Miss  Snodgrass.  (Toots  stops.) 
Miss  Clarice  and  myself  have  something  important  to  talk 
about.  We  do  not  wish  to  be  interrupted.  Now  you  keep 
your  eyes  open  and  tip  me  ofif  if  anybody  is  headed  our 
, way.  Understand  ? 

Toots  {grinning) . Yes,  sir — but  thafll  be  extra. 

Bud  {produces  coin).  This  is  all  the  ''extra”  you  get — so 
beat  it. 

Toots  {takes  coin,  crosses  to  R.  Aside  at  door).  Ain't 
he  just  splen-did.  {Exit  R.) 

Bud  {to  Clarice).  Fve  got  a terrible  lot  to  do  today  and 
to  tell  you.  {Leads  her  to  sofa,  then  sits  beside  her.)  It's 
about  your  uncle.  We've  got  to  knock  that  crazy  idea  out  of 
his  head  that  he  can  manufacture  a doll  that  can  actually 
breathe,  talk,  eat,  sleep,  and  in  fact  act  more  like  a human 
being  than  the  majority  of  us.  You  know,  your  uncle's 
crazy — 

Clarice  {interrupting).  Bud  Barlow,  my  uncle  is  not 
crazy. 

Bud.  I know ; but  he's  got  the  squirrels  following  him. 
Now  listen.  {Looks  cautiously  all  about.)  You  know, 
dearie,  that  I Enter  Toots,  R. 


Toots.  Mr.  Barlow,  there  ain't  nobody  cornin'.  (Bud 
and  Clarice  annoyed.) 

Bud  {to  Toots).  Get  out.  I'm  busy. 

Toots.  All  right.  I just  thought  I’d  tell  you.  {Exit  R.) 

Bud  {taking  Clarice's  hand,  tenderly).  I've  been  doing 
•i  little  Sherlock  Holmes  st^uff  and  I've  discovered  a few 
things.  Your  uncle  is  at  work  on  a life-size  model  of  a 
human  being.  He  has  the  idea  that  this  figure  can  be  en- 
dowed with  life  and  be  as  perfect  in  every  way  as — well’ 
as  you.  (Clarice  smiles.)  But  of  course  that's  impossible. 
There  never  will  be  anything  on  earth,  quite  as  perfect  as 
you  are.  {Starts  to  kiss  her^ 


Enter  Toots,  R. 


10 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Toots.  Say,  Mr.  Barlow,  there  ain't  nobody  cornin'  yet. 

Bud  {annoyed  at  the  interruption,  jumps  up,  crosses  to 
R,).  No,  but  there's  somebody  going.  {Rushes  Toots  off 
R,  Comes  back  to  sofa,)  Now,  then,  if  your  uncle  isn't 
made  to  see  the  error  of  his  ways,  it's  going  to  mean  the 
loss  of  his  reason — perhaps  his  life. 

Clarice.  Oh,  Bud!  What  can  we  do? 

Bud.  Here's  my  idea.  I’ve  about  everything  arranged 
to  restore  him  to  a normal  condition  of  mind  again.  I am 
framing  this  up  on  the  advice  of  a physician.  He  tells  me 
that  the  only  thing  is  to  humor  your  uncle.  Then,  by  some 
sort  of  a shock,  suddenly  reverse  conditions  and  it  will 
make  a new  man  of  him.  Now  your  uncle  is  firmly  con- 
vinced that  all  his  wonderful  doll  needs  is  a spark  of  life 
and  it  will  live.  Upon  going  through  my  room  I ran  upon 
an  old  Mephisto  costume  I once  wore  at  a mask  ball.  I 
shall  don  this  rig,  suddenly  appear  before  your  uncle  and 
declare  myself  the  real  chap  from  down  below,  come  to 
give  the  spark  of  life  to  his  Masterpiece.  Behold ! Mephisto ! 
{Strikes  an  attitude.) 

Clarice  {startled,  rises).  Why,  Bud  Barlow! 

Bud.  You  know  what  I mean.  I am  going  to  play  the 
Devil — and  fool  your  uncle.  Plenty  of  red  fire  and  all  the 
other  effects,  and  I shall  have  no  difficulty  in  convincing 
your  uncle  that  I have  just  arrived  from — well,  one  place 
that  can't  be  reached  by  a long  distance  telephone. 

Clarice  {interested) . It  all  sounds  good.  But  what  am 
I to  do? 

Bud.  You  play  the  star  part — the  doll.  His  wonderful 
creation,  endowed  with  life.  I put  a crank  on  your  back, 
and — ^bingo!  You  come  to  life.  • Great! 

Clarice.  Oh,  Bud,  if  it  should  succeed! 

Bud.  It  will.  All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  plant  the  Me- 
phisto idea  in  your  uncle's  brain,  and  the  germ  will  develop. 

Clarice.  But  if  it  fails? 

Bud.  No  chance.  {Takes  her  hand,  tenderly).  Little 
girl,  I'm  doing  this  for  two  reasons.  You — and  your  uncL. 
{About  to  kiss  her.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


11 


Enter  Toots,  R. 

Toots.  Say,  Mr.  Barlow,  there  ain’t  a soul  cornin’  yet. 

Bud.  I don’t  care.  We’ll  have  it  over  with  in  a moment. 
Stand  right  there.  Miss  Snodgrass.  Tell  me.  How  do  you 
like  this?  (Kisses  Clarice.) 

* Toots  (shakes  head).  Never  touched  me. 

Bud  (to  Clarice).  Come  on,  darling.  We’ve  got  to  get 
busy.  (To  Toots.)  Good-bye,  Miss  Snodgrass.  If  any- 
body asks  you,  tell  them  it’s  colder  in  the  summer  than  in 
New  York.  (Grabs  Clarice,  rushes  her  to  L.  and  they 
exeunt.) 

Toots  (staring  after  them  in  amazement) . Well,  I swan. 
He’s  as  crazy  as  the  old  man.  Guess  I better  get  out  of 
here  before  I get  it. 

Toots  starts  for  R.,  when  enter  Dora,  L.  Comes  in  bow- 

Dora.  Good  morning.  Toots  Snodgrass.  It’s  a nice  day, 
ain’t  it?  My  mother  sent  me  over  to  see  if  she  could  bor- 
row your  lawn  mower. 

Toots  (mimicing).  Oh,  is  that  there  so?  Well,  you  go 
back  and  tell  your  mother  if  we  had  a lawn  mower  we 
wouldn’t  speak  to  her. 

Dora.  Oh,  very  well.  (Takes  a couple  of  steps  back- 
zvard,  bows,  takes  a step  forward  and  bows  again.)  Mrs. 
Tones  told  my  mother  that  your  folks  didn’t  have  no  lawn 
mower  nohow,  so  my  mother  sent  me  over  to  prove  it. 
(Takes  two  steps  backward,  stops.)  Good  day.  Toots  Snod- 
^ grass.  (Turns  and  marches  to  door  L.  and  exits.) 

Toots.  Dear  .me  suds!  There  is  some  more  lunatical. 
This  ain’t  no  place  for  a refined  lady  like  me  nohow.  (Starts 

Enter  Mrs.  Heinie^  R. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Toots  Snodgrass,  what  are  you  doing? 

Toots.  Nothin’. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  You’re  always  doin’  that.  Go  in  the  next 
room  and  do  it.  Wait!  I thought  I heard  voices.  Has 
anyone  been  in? 


12 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Toots.  Yes’m.  He  was  here. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Whom  do  you  mean  by  ‘Te’’?  Never  mind. 
I know  to  whom  you  refer.  Now  IVe  told  you  repeatedly 
that  I don’t  want  that  person  here.  What  did  Bud  Barlow 
want? 

Toots.  Same  thing  all  men  want — woman. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Humph ! This  nonsense  must  stop.  Do 
you  hear  me  ? Stop ! I won’t  have  it.  I have  other  plans 
for  Clarice’s  future.  She  must  marry  above  her  station 
in  life  and  not  beneath  it,  as  I have  done.  She’s  only  my 
step-daughter,  but  I have  a heart.  Where’s  your  master? 

Toots.  In  his  shop.  (At  door  C.) 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Humph!  Always  puttering  in  his  shop. 
Go  tell  him  I want  to  speak  to  him. 

Toots  (aside).  If  I ever  catch  the  man  that  invented 
work.  I’ll  get  him  a job  in  this  crazy  bungalow.  (Exit  C.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  (alone).  Fine  state  of  afifairs,  I must  say. 
That  penniless  college  graduate  dares  to  aspire  to  my  step- 
daughter’s hand.  I’ll  stop  that  nonsense.  (Calls  sharply.) 
ITerman  ! Herman,  I say ! 

Herman  (off  C.).  Coming,  my  dear. 

Enter  Herman,  C.  He  wipes  his  hands  on  his  apron  as 
he  enters. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  I want  you  to  understand  that  when  I 
want  you,  I want  you.  Is  that  thoroughly  understood,  Her- 
man Heinie? 

Herman  (gently).  Yes,  my  dear.  I hope  it  is  an  impor- 
tance, otherwise  I regret  to  be  disturbed. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  It  is  important — most  important.  You  are 
idling  away  your  time,  Herman  Heinie.  Things  have  come 
to  the  point  where  something  must  be  done.  You  haven’t 
given  me  a penny  in  three  months.  My  first  husband  was 
a money-maker.  A money-maker,  do  you  hear  that? 

Herman.  Humph!  I have  heard  that  many  times.  I 
am  going  to  say,  speaking  for  myself,  that  I make  more 
money  accidentally  than  your  first  husband  ever  did  on  pur- 
pose. (Chuckles.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


13 


Mrs.  Heinie  {angrily^  Oh,  it’s  no  use.  I don’t  know 
iwhy  I ever  married  you. 

Herman.  You  know,  my  dear,  I have  asked  myself  the 
same  question  yet  when  I look  at  you. 

^ Mrs.  Heinie.  That’s  enough.  Quite  enough.  Now 
listen — 

^ Herman.  Sure.  That’s  the  only  thing  I ever  get  a chance 
to  do  with  you. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Things  must  change  about  this  house. 
Your  eternal  tinkering  with  those  impossible  dolls  must 
cease.  Also  Clarice  and  her  going  with  that  worthless  Bud 
Barlow  must  stop.  Understand  ? 

Herman.  You  are  asking  quite  a large  chunk  in  a couple 
of  words,  my  dear. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  I am  merely  asking  for  justice.  Just  be- 
cause I was  fool  enough  to  marry  a good-for-nothing, 
there’s  no  reason  why  she  should.  {At  door  R.) 

Herman  {roused  at  last).  Stop!  I?  I a good-for-noth- 
ing? You  call  me  that?  {More  calmly.)  Well,  we  shall 
see.  Any  hour  now  will  witness  my  triumph.  Then  maybe 
you  will  be  sorry  yet— yes?  It  is  almost  completed — almost 
completed. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {impatiently) . What  is  almost  completed? 
Herman  {shaking  head  wisely).  Ach,  that  is  for  me  to 
know  and  you  to  find  out  yet. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Stuff  and  nonsense  I That’s  all  I’ve  heard 
for  the  past  six  mouths.  You’ve  been  shaking  your  head  and 
acting  mysteriously  for  weeks.  And  what’s  the  result  ? 
Every  day  we  get  nearer  the  poor  house.  And  then  there’s 
Tommy.  Your  Tommy.  Thank  goodness  none  of  my  blood 
flows  in  his  veins.  {Starts  to  exit.) 

Herman.  Say,  you  don’t  seem  to  be  much  stuck  on 
anybody  about  here,  do  you? 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Never  you  mind  my  likes  and  dislikes. 
Now  I’ve  talked  all  I’m  going  to.  Do  you  hear  me;  all  I’m 
going  to.  {Starts  exit.) 

Herman.  I am  pleased  to  hear  it. 

i 


14 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Mrs.  Heinie  {comes  back),  I shall  do  something  else 
besides  talk.  {Starts  exit,) 

Herman.  Thank  the  Lord  she’s  going. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {comes  back).  Tomorrow — 

Herman  {aside).  Ach.,  she’s  back  again. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Tomorrow  will  be  too  late.  It  will  be  too 
late  to  talk,  for  I shall  be  gone. 

Herman  {aside).  Ach,  Gott!  She  won’t  go  till  tomor- 
row. {Drops  wearily  into  a chair.) 

Mrs.  Heinie.  One  final  word.  (Herman  sinks  deeper  ■ 
in  chair.)  Just  one  final  word.  If  another  week  rolls  by 
and  you  do  not  accomplish  something,  I shall  pack  up  and 
get  out.  That’s  all.  One  more  week.  {Exit  R.) 

Herman  {laughs  quietly).  Ach,  she’s  mad  all  over  yet. 
{Looks  cunningly  all  about.)  They  all  think  it’s  impos-  I 
sible — it  can’t  be  done  yet.  Well,  let  them  think  so.  When 
my  day  comes  my  triumph  will  be  all  the  more  yet  bigger. 
{Rises,  looks  cautiously  about,  laughs  weirdly.)  Ha,  ha, 
ha!  We  shall  see!  We  shall  see!  {Makes  circuit  of  stage, 
peering  about  as  if  to  make  certain  he  is  alone.  Stops  back 
C.)  Now  we  shall  see!  See  what  I have  hidden  from  all 
the  world.  My  Masterpiece!  The  eighth  wonder  of  the 
world!  {Turns  back  to  audience  and  faces  cabinet.)  Ap- 
pear, oh  my  beautiful  being.  Appear! 

{All  stage  lights  are  turned  off,  spot  light  is  thrown  on 
cabinet,  the  curtains  are  drazvn  and  Clarice,  as  the  dolf  is 
disclosed.) 

Herman.  Aha!  So!  It  is  sublime!  A perfect  Master- 
piece! {Rubs  hands  delightedly  and  chuckles.)  See!  Look! 
It  all  but  breathes.  And  I — I the  good-for-nothing,  will 
soon  discover  the  spark  of  life,  and  then  it  will  breathe, 
walk,  eat,  sleep,  talk — ah,  but  not  too  much  talk — just  a 
little.  She  shall  make  my  boy  a fond  and  loving  wife.  Not 
a wife  like  mine — no!  There!  I have  feasted  these  old  eyes 
of  mine  long  enough  on  you,  my  Masterpiece.  Farewell! 
Perhaps  when  next  I behold  thee — ah,  who  then  shall  call  me 
good-for-nothing ? Go!  {Waves  hands,  spotlight  out,  cur- 
tains  drawn  and  stage  lights  full  on.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


15 


Enter  Toots,  R,  She  carries  a water  pail  and  a large 
sponge. 

Toots.  Say,  Mr.  Heinie — 

Herman  {whirling  about,  facing  her,  suspiciously) . Aha, 
you  have  been  spying  on  me — yes?  You  saw  something? 

Toots.  Naw,  I ain't  done  nothin'.  I just  came  in  to  ask 
you  if  you  didn't  think  it  was  about  time  you  was  payin' 
me  seventy  or  eighty-five  cents  on  my  wages  account. 

Herman.  What?  You  want  money?  Wages? 

Toots.  Well,  I was  thinkin'  that  if  you  had  any  money 
locked  up  in  the  house,  it  was  about  time  you  let  it  out  to 
play. 

Herman  {sadly).  My  child,  I have  no  money — now. 
{Eagerly.)  But  soon — ah,  very  soon  there  will  be  plenty. 
Be  patient,  my  child ; be  patient.  It  won't  be  so  very  long. 
Pretty  soon  it  comes  in  now.  {Crosses  to  R.)  In  the  mean- 
time, don't  work  too  hard.  Sit  down  and  rest  yourself,  my 
child.  I will  work  for  you,  for  everybody.  I will  work  for 
my  boy — my  innocent  boy,  my  darling!  {Exit  R.) 

Toots  {flops  in  chair,  still  holding  sponge  and  pail).  Sit 
down  and  rest?  Say,  that's  the  easiest  thing  I do  besides 
eat.  As  for  his  money,  I can  get  along  without  it.  I can 
get  along,  but  of  course  I ain't  sayin'  how  far  I'll  get. 

Enter  Tommy  L.  Starts  to  cross  to  R.,  sees  Toots,  goes 
up  behind  her  and  puts  both  hands  over  her  eyes. 

Tommy.  Guess  who  it  is.  Toots. 

Toots  {hesitates) . Er — oh.  Bud  Barlow. 

Tommy  {surprised) . What?  Say,  has  that  fellow  been 
bangin'  around  yoii  makin'  love? 

Toots.  Gee  whillikins ! 

Tommy  {kisses  her).  Know  who  'tis  now? 

Toots.  It's  Tommy  Tucker.  That  is,  it  kisses  like  him. 

Tommy  {releases  her).  Gee,  I had  you  guessin'  all  right. 

Toots  {aside).  This  is  the  darling  angel  child  Mr.  Heinie 
was  just  ravin’  about. 

Tommy  {feeling  of  his  left  arm).  Say,  do  you  know 
what  ? 

Toots.  No— what? 


16 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Tommy.  I got  vaccinated  today.  Was  you  ever  vacci- 
nated ? 

Toots.  Sure  I was. 

Tommy.  Where  was  you  vaccinated? 

Toots.  In  Boston. 

Tommy.  Oh,  smarty  cat! 

Toots  {takes  sponge  from  pail  and  places  it  in  a chair). 
Say,  Tommy,  weTe  all  goin'  to  have  a lot  of  money  pretty 
soon. 

Tommy.  Who  said  so? 

Toots.  I said  so.  Sit  down  and  Til  tell  you  all  about  it. 
(Tommy  sUs  on  sponge.)  Your  father  just  told  me  to  order 
my  weddin’  gowns  and  such. 

Tommy.  Who  you  goin’  to  marry? 

Toots.  You. 

Tommy.  You’re  takin’  a whole  lot  on  yourself,  I must 
say.  (Stops  to  break  off  speech  slowly  as  he  feels  water 
on  his  trousers.) 

Toots  (pause).  Were  you  sayin’  somethin’,  Tommy? 

Tommy  (comedy  expression  on  face  and  squirming  about 
on  chair).  Yes,  I was  sayin’  somethin’,  but — ^but  I changed 
my  mind. 

Toots.  I don’t  care  to  do  all  the  talkin’. 

Tommy  (rises,  shakes  first  one  leg,  then  the  other).  I 
don’t  mind  you  talkin’.  (Pidls  at  seat  of  trousers.)  I — I 
rather  like  to  hear  you  talk. 

Toots.  You  know.  Tommy,  you  act  mighty  queer  some- 
times. 

Tommy.  Well,  I guess  you  would,  too,  if — (looks  slowly 
around  and  discovers  sponge  on  chair.  Silly  laugh.)  Oh, 
gosh ! 

Toots  (looks  at  sponge,  rises,  picks  up  pail  and  sponge). 
Guess  I better  go  and  water  the  chickens.  (Starts  to  cross 
to  L.) 

Tommy.  Guess  you  ain’t  got  no  water.  I got  it  all. 

Toots.  Come  on.  Tommy.  Help  me  with  the  chickens. 
(At  door  L.) 

Tommy.  I don’t  want  to. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


17 


Toots.  Why  not? 

Tommy.  There’s  a hen  out  there  layin’  for  me.  {Crosses 
^to  L.) 

Toots.  Oh,  come  on.  Don’t  be  afraid.  I’m  with  you. 

Tommy.  All  right.  But  if  you  let  me  get  hurt,  my  paw 
will  scold  you.  {They  exeunt  L.) 

Enter  Peck  from  R.  He  looks  curiously  all  about. 

Peck.  Well,  this  is  strange.  I’ve  been  all  over  this  house 
and  there  doesn’t  seem  to  be  anybody  in.  I came  clear  from 
Boston  to  serve  legal  papers  on  Mr.  Herman  Heinie,  and 
serve  I will  or  know  the  reason  why.  I’ll  go  back  and  try 
again.  {Exit  R.) 

Enter  Tommy  and  Toots,  L. 

Tommy.  Look  here.  Toots,  I don’t  want  you  following 
me  about  all  the  time. 

Toots.  I ain’t  followin’  you.  I’m  too  much,  of  a lady 
to  do  that.  You  got  scart  of  the  roosters  and  run,  so  I 
followed  you  to  see  that  you  got  home  all  right. 

Tommy  {silly  laugh).  You  make  me  laugh.  Toots  Snod- 
grass. You  ain’t  no  lady.  A lady  has  fine  clothes  and  a lot 
of  paint  on  her  face.  I know,  ’cause  I seen  a lady  once  in 
a opera  house  show  performance. 

Toots.  ^ Was  it  a regular  opera  house  theater  perform- 
ance ? 

Tommy.  Sure  it  was.  A regular  opera  house,  ’theater, 
academy  of  music  performance. 

Toots.  What  did  she  do? 

Tommy.  I’ll  show  you. 

{Introduce  specialty  for  Tommy  and  Toots.) 

After  specialty,  enter  Herman,  R. 

Herman.  Oh,  so  you  two  are  together  agin — yes?  You 
are  talking  nonsense,  maybe,  or  love?  Anyhow,  there  ain’t 
much  difference. 

Tommy  {bashfully,  hanging  head).  Well,  pop,  not  per- 
zactly.  But  Toots  kinder  likes  me  and  I kinder  likes  Toots. 
And  maybe  some  day  Toots  and  me  will  get  married. 


18 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Herman  {looking  from  one  to  the  other).  So? 

Tommy.  Yes,  pop.  What  do  you  think  of  marriage, 
pop?  {Loud  crash  ojf  R.,  followed  by  angry  voice  of  Mrs. 
Heinie.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {off  R.).  Drat  the  luck!  There  goes  three 
of  my  best  dishes.  That  all  comes  of  marrying  a man  who 
can't  afiford  to  maintain  proper  servants.  {Comedy  business 
by  all  three  during  crash  and  her  speech.) 

Herman.  I think,  Tommy,  after  that,  I am  under  no 
obligations  to  explanation.  {All  shake  heads  sadly.  Her- 
man glances  cautiously  about.)  Listen,  my  children.  The 
fame  of  my  Masterpiece  has  traveled  far  and  near.  I have 
just  received  word  of  warning  that  bad  men  have  plotted 
to  steal  it.  We  must  be  careful  and  guard  it  with  our  lives. 
Already  I have  seen  a strange  man  and  his  eyes  looking  sus- 
piciously at  this  house.  You  must  not  let  him  in.  You 
must  chase  him  away  if  he  tries  to  come  in.  Do  you  under- 
stand ? 

Toots  {glancing  nervously  about).  Dear  me  suds!  What 
next  ? 

Tommy  {glances  about  nervously).  Oh,  gosh!  {Silly 
laugh.) 

Herman  {to  Toots).  Miss  Snodgrass,  you  will  kindly 
please  go  get  acquainted  with  some  work  yet.  I have  some- 
thing to  speak  over  with  Tommy.  And  as  for  that  marriage 
question  between  you  and  Tommy,  I am  not  choking  with 
enthusiasm  over  it.  Tommy  is  not  for  you.  Go! 

Toots  {crosses  to  door  R.,  turns).  Humph!  I ain't  so 
crazy  'bout  your  darling  Tommy.  And  as  for  work — it  can't 
be  done,  not  by  me.  {Exit  R.) 

Herman  {mysteriously) . Tommy,  my  boy,  you  have  dis- 
closed the  wish  to  me  that  you  desire  to  marry.  I have  no 
objections.  In  fact,  I am  in  favor  of  it  yet. 

Tommy.  Toots,  pop? 

Herman.  No.  Far  from  Toots.  One  who  is  far  pret- 
tier ; one  that  is  everything  that  could  be  desired  in  a wife. 
{Glances  cautiously  about.)  Not  like  your  step-mother. 
Tommy;  no,  siree. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


19 


Tommy.  Gosh,  no! 

Herman.  Far  be  it.  The  one  I have  chosen  for  you  is 
iiiot  yet. 


Tommy.  Not  yet  what? 

Herman.  Not  yet  living,  my  child. 

Tommy.  Say,  I don’t  want  a dead  one  for  a wife. 

Herman.  Flush,  my  child.  She  will  shortly  be  alive.  The 
most  beautiful — the  most  innocent — the  most  perfect  wife 
you  will  have — ach,  I can’t  say  it ! 

TomiJiy.  Then  write  it,  pop.  Is  she  purtier  than  Toots? 

Herman  {laughs).  Ach,  child.  Mother  Nature  has  fash- 
ioned many  beautiful  women,  but  I — I have  beaten  her  at 
her  own  game.  My  boy,  I have — 

{Knock  on  door  L.) 

Tommy  {eagerly).  Is  that  her,  pop? 

Herman  {anxiously) . Hush,  my  boy.  We  must  be  very 
careful.  {Crosses  to  door  L.,  opens  it.) 


Enter  Peck,  briskly,  hat  in  hand. 


Peck.  I beg  your  pardon — 

Herman  {agitated,  aside).  ’Tis  he — come  to  steal  my 
Masterpiece ! 

Peck.  I begged  your  pardon  once,  but  I guess  you  didn’t 
get  it.  Is  this  the  residence  of  Mr.  Herman  Heinie,  cele- 
brated maker  of  mechanical  figures? 

Herman.  I do  not  answer.  Go!  {Points  at  L.) 

Peck.  But,  my  dear  sir.  But — 

Herman  {interrupting) . Do  not  attempt  to  enter.  Go! 
Go  before  I do  you  an  injury. 

Tommy.  Yes.  Beat  it. 

Peck.  But,  my  dear  sir,  permit  me  to — 

Herman  {seizes  Peck  and  forces  him  toward  door  L.). 
I do  not  wish  to  listen  to  you.  Go!  {Thrusts  him  through 
door  and  shuts  it  tightly.  Turns  to  Tommy.)  You  see?  It 
is  but  what  I feared  yet.  The  man  with  the  eyes  looking 
suspiciously.  The  thief!  {Displays  agitation.) 

Tommy.  Say,  I’ll  tell  you,  pop.  I’ll  go  call  my  step- 
mother. He  won’t  never  come  back  if  he  sees  her. 


20 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Herman.  No,  no,  my  child.  That  man’s  visit  merely 
serves  to  force  me  to  hasten  my  preparations.  What  I do 
must  be  done  at  once,  otherwise  that  man  will  steal  the 
fruits  of  all  my  great  labor. 

• Tommy.  What  do  you  mean,  pop? 

Herman.  I cannot  stop  to  explain  now.  Tommy.  Later 
you  shall  see  and  know  all.  Come.  You  must  stay  close  to 
my  side.  Make  haste.  {He  drags  Tommy  off  C.) 

Enter  Peck,  L.,  and  Toots,  R. 

« 

Peck  {bowing  politely).  I really  beg  your  pardon — 

Toots  {aside,  with  agitation).  Gosh — the  robber! 

Peck.  Young  woman,  is  this  the  residence  of  Mr.  Her- 
man Heinie? 

Toots.  Who  wants  to  know? 

Peck.  I do.  IVe-been  wanting  to  know  for  some  time, 
now. 

Toots.  Well,  you  git  right  out  of  here  now — 

Peck.  But,  my  dear  young  lady.  But — 

Toots.  Don’t  you  dare  ''but”  me.  When  I tell  you  to 
git,  you  git.  {Grabs  broom,  heats  him  with  it  and  forces 
him  off  L.  They  exeunt.) 

Enter  Bud  and  Clarice.  He  is  dressed  as  Mephisto 
and  she  as  the  life-sized  doll.  He  carries  crank  in  one  hand 
and  fastens  it  on  her  back. 

Bud.  Now  you  are  all  set  to  crank  up.  But  don’t  feel 
cranky. 

Clarice.  Oh,  Bud,  how  can  you  joke  about  this? 

Bud.  Everything  so  far  is  immense — just  as  I had  it 
planned.  Say,  how  do  I look?  {Whirls  about  for  her  in- 
spection.) 

Clarice.  You  look  like  the — ahem!  You  look  the  part 
all  right.  And  I?  {Poses  for  him.) 

Bud  {kisses  her).  That’s  the  answer. 

Clarice.  Oh,  Bud  Barlow!  You  mustn’t  do  that.  {Puck- 
ers up  her  lips  for  more.) 

Bud  {laughs).  Well,  I suppose  while  I have  the  chance 
I might  just  as  well  fatten  up  my  batting  average.  {Kisses 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


21 


her  tzvo  or  three  times.)  There!  That  ought  to  have  me 
leading  the  league  for  a few  days,  anyhow.  . . . Now,  the 
idea  is,  my  dear,  that  I must  find  a way  to  introduce  myself 
to  your  uncle. 

Clarice.  Oh.  please  be  careful,  Bud.  His  heart  may  be 
weak. 

Bud.  Don’t  worry.  Til  be  careful.  Flush!  Someone  is 
coming.  We  must  hide.  {Grabs  her  and  runs  about  the 
stage  two  or  three  times  seeking  a hiding  place.) 

Enter  Peck,  L.  Starts  in  surprise  at  seeing  a Mephisto 
and  doll. 

Peck.  Oh,  excuse  me — the  Devil! 

Bud  {whirling  about  on  Peck,  striking  Mephisto  atti- 
tude, with  forefinger  pointed) . Aha,  aha!  What  means  this 
unwarranted  intrusion?  Go!  Go  before  I summon  my — 
my  fiendish — {aside  to  Clarice).  Pm  stuck.  What  shall 
I say  next? 

Clarice  {prompts  him).  Summon  my  fiendish  hirelings 
to  drag  you  to  the  depths  below.  (Peck  stares  in  amaze- 
ment from  one  to  the  other.) 

Bud  {to  Clarice,  aside).  Sounds  great.  I’ll  try  it  on 
him.  {To  Peck.)  Fly,  before  I summon  my  fiendish  depths 
to  drag — to  drag  you — you  to  my — to  drag  you  to  my  hired 
men  below. 

Peck.  Well,  of  all  the  foolish  nonsense! 

Bud  {drops  Mephisto  manner).  Say,  kiddo,  you  get  out 
of  here,  and  do  it  quick.  Understand  that.  {Threatens 
Peck.) 

Peck  {retreats  toward  L.).  Yes,  I hear  and  understand. 
I go,  but  I want  it  distinctly  understood  that  I shall  return. 
{Looks  curiously  at  them  and  exits  L.) 

Clarice  {laughingly).  Wonder  who  that  chap  is? 

Bud  {laughingly).  He’s  probably  wondering  the  same 
of  us.  Now  don’t  worry.  I’m  on  the  job. 

Clarice  {nervously).  I’m  not  worrying,  but — but  my 
feet  are  getting  chilly.  {Tries  to  pull  skirts  down.) 

Bud.  Don’t  get  cold  feet  now.  Hush ! Somebody  else 
coming. 


22 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Herman  (off  R.).  Now,  Tommy,  my  boy,  everything  is 
nearly  ready  yet.  Come  with  me  and  I shall  bring  her  to 
life. 

Clarice  (looking  anxiously  about).  Oh,  Bud — ^he’s 
coming. 

Bud  (nervously) . Yes,  yes — leave  it  all  to  me.  (He  grabs 
her  and  they  run  about  stage  looking  for  hiding  places — 
under  the  table,  back  of  sofa,  etc.  At  last  he  runs  her  to 
the  cabinet,  opens  curtains  and  thrusts  her  inside,  pulling 
curtains  to  after  her.) 

Clarice  (inside  cabinet).  But,  Fm  so  nervous. 

Bud.  Shut  up.  Don’t  even  breathe  till  I tell  you.  As 
for  me,  I don’t  know  where  I’m  going  to  light.  (Discovers 
fireplace.)  Aha!  The  very  thing.  It’s  me  for  the  merry 
old  chimney.  (Hides  in  fireplace.) 

Enter  Herman  and  Tommy,  R.  Herman  carries  package 
of  flashlight  powder.  Looks  all  about  to  see  if  coast  is  clear. 

Herman.  It  is  all  right.  Tommy.  We  are  alone.  The 
propitious  moment  has  arrived.  Now  for  the  crowning  tri- 
umph  of  my  life. 

Tommy.  Say,  pop,  you  make  my  backbone  feel  cold. 

Herman.  Hush,  my  child.  Soon  you  shall  see  her — a 
damsel  as  fair  and  as  beautiful  as  Venus,  and  who  lacks 
nothing  but  life  to  make  her  perfect. 

Tommy.  Say,  pop,  you  ain’t  off  your  nanny,  are  you? 

Herman  (weird  laugh).  Oho!  They  all  think  I’m  crazy, 
Tommy.  See!  I shall  show  you.  Look!  Look! 

(Curtains  of  cabinet  are  drawn.  Clarice,  as  doll,  is  dis- 
closed with  spotlight  on  her.  Herman  stands  with  out- 
stretched hand  pointing  at  her.) 

Tommy.  Gosh,  all  Friday,  pop,  but  she’s  a peach! 
(Clarice  makes  a wry  face  at  Tommy.)  Oh,  look,  pop; 
she’s  makin’  goo-goo  faces  at  me. 

Herman.  Nonsense,  child.  Hush ! The  moment  has  ar- 
rived when  by  the  power  of  this  magic  powder  I shall  sum- 
mon His  Majesty  from  Hades  and  will  endow  my  wonderful 
doll  with  the  spark  of  life. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


23 


TOxMMY.  Hold  on,  pop.  Who  did  you  say  was  cornin’? 
Herman  (impatiently).  The  Devd,  my  boy— the  Devil. 
“ We’ll  have  a hot  time  in  the  old  town  tonight, 


Tommy 
won’t  we  ? 
Herman 


XXI...XVXX.X,.  Hush,  I say— don’t  talk.  Now  I am  ready. 
But  where  shall  I place  my  magic  powder?  (Looks  about.) 
Ah,  yes-the  fireplace.  The  fireplace  is  just  the  place  for 
the  Devil  He’ll  feel  at  home  in  there.  (Places  powder  in 
fireplace,  then  feels  in  his  pocket  for  a match.)  _ 

Clarice  (wildly  from  cabinet,  aside).  Gracious  good- 
ness! He’ll  blow  poor  Bud  sky  ^ 

Tommy  (shivering  with  fright).  Oh,  I smell  brimstone 

four  feet  thick.  . j \ rj„oii 

Herman  (with  match,  stooping  over  powder).  Hush, 
you  will  spoil  it  all.  Now,  King  Pluto,  I,  Herman  Heinie, 
Command  you  to  appear.  (Lights  match  and 
der.  Bud  jumps  from  fireplace  and  strikes  an  attitude  m 

C.  ' Red  floodlight  is  throzon  on  him.) 

Tommy  (on  knees  with  fright).  Gosh,  Mister  Devil, 
please  be  good.  Don’t  take  me ; take  pop.  PTe  s about  all 


Bud  (fo  Tommy).  Silence,  slave ! (To  Herman.)  M ell 
you  have  sent  for  me  and  I am  come.  (Aside.)  That  sounds 

like  the  Devil  I think.  . ^ , 

Herman.  Yes,  yes,  Your  Highness.  But  it  didn  t take 

you  so  long  as  I expected  to  come  from— from  your  home. 
(Rubs  hands  together  in  his  delight.) 

Bud.  No,  not  long.  I travel  fast.  I’m  a scorcher.  Ha, 

( ha!  I must  have  my  joke,  you  know. 

Tommy.  Ha,  ha!  _ 

Bud  (turning  on  Tommy  fiercely).  Silence!  (Tommy 
yells  and  falls  to  floor.) 

I Herman.  Your  Highness,  I cannot  thank  you 

Bud  (interrupting).  I am  a busy  man,  and  now  that  1 
t am  come,  what  is  your  command?  Remember,  this  is  my 


busy  day. 

Tommy. 

gagement. 


Well,  don’t  let  us  keep  you  from  any  other  en- 
We’re  in  no  hurry,  you  know. 


24 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Herman.  Hush,  Tommy.  Permit  me  to  talk  to  His 
Highness.  {To  Bud.)  Your  Highness,  I have  never  had 
the  pleasure  of  meeting  you  before ; but  Fve  heard  of  you 
many,  many  times. 

Bud  {impatiently) . Come,  come — don’t  keep  me  waiting. 
I have  a lot  to  do  today.  There  are  lots  of  people  who  are 
not  satisfied  with  this  wo.^ld,  so  Pm  going  to  show  them 
where  I live. 

Herman  {hows  gravely).  Sire,  I have  sent  for  you  tO' 
give  life  to — to  yonder  beautiful  doll.  Look,  Sire.  {Points 
at  doll.) 

Bud  {turning,  looking  at  doll  and  forgetting  his  part). 
Say,  she  is  a pippin,  isn’t  she?  {Remembering  his  role, 
quickly.)  So,  that  is  your  desire,  eh?  Well,  I shall  grant 
your  wish  upon  one  condition — one  condition  only.  And 
that  is,  that  your  soul  becomes  mine  after  your  death. 
(Herman  staggers  weakly  back.) 

Tommy.  You  might  as  well  say  yes,  pop.  He’ll  get  you 
some  day  anyhow. 

Herman.  Your  Highness,  I consent.  {Bows  loiv.) 

Bud.  Swear  it! 

Herman.  I do — solemnly  do,  Your  Highness.  {Raises 
right  hand.) 

Bud.  Good!  Now  shall  I give  life  to  your  beautiful  cre- 
ation. (Bud  goes  to  front  of  cabinet,  makes  hypnotic  passes 
at  her.  As  he  slowly  backs  away  she  follows  him,  moving  as 
though  in  a trance.  Music  plays  a dreamy  waltz  and  Bud 
and  Clarice  waltz  about  stage  for  several  moments.  Bud 
finally  waltzing  from  stage,  L.  door,  and  leaving  Clarice 
at  C.  in  rigid  attitude,  doll-like.  Herman  and  Tommy  go 
to  her  and  examine  her  closely.) 

Herman  {puzzled).  Tommy,  my  boy,  I can’t  understand 
this  yet.  She  waltzes  with  the  Devil,  now  she’s  a doll  again, 
and  don’t  move  yet. 

Tommy.  Pop,  I think  you  got  a bum  steer.  He  did  a 
bum  job.  You  better  send  for  a plumber. 

Herman.  No,  no,  my  boy;  it  must  be  all  right.  It  can’t 
go  wrong  now ; it  can't  go  wrong  now. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


25 


Tommy.  Pop,  I think  she  needs  winding  up  again.  {Dis- 
covers clock  work  on  her  back,  winds  it.  Effect  of  winding 
sound  can  be  produced  from  the  wings  with  a ratchet. 
Clarice  moves  one  arm  in  jerky  manner.)  Oh,  look,  pop; 
look.  You  got  to  crank  her  like  a automobilly  goat. 

Herman  (sadly).  Ach,  that  is  too  bad.  She  is  not  per- 
fect yet ; she  is  not  perfect  yet. 

Tommy.  No,  pop,  she  ought  to  have  a self-starter.  (He 
zvinds  and  Clarice  gradually  assumes  a lifelike  posture.) 

Clarice  (slozvly  coming  to  life,  rubbing  hands  over  eyes). 

Oh,  where  am  I?  i » 

Tommy  (jumping  about  in  glee).  See,  pop,  see.  She  s 
all  right,  and  she’s  a woman,  too,  all  right. 

Herman.  How  do  you  know  she  is  a woman.  Tommy? 

Tommy.  ’Cause  the  first  thing  she  does  is  ask  a question. 

Clarice.  Oh,  please,  sir,  tell  me  where  I am.^ 

Herman.  Peace,  my  child.  You  are  with  friends. 

Tommy.  Sure.  I’m  your  friend  all  right.  (Chucks  her 
under  the  chin.) 

Herman.  Now,  Tommy,  don’t  get  fresh  by  her. 

Clarice.  How  strange  I feel.  It  seems  as  though  I had 
been  in  this  room  before.  And  your  face — (to  Herman)  — 
I know  I have  seen  it  sometime — somewhere.  (To  Tommy.) 
And  yours — (breaks  into  a hearty  laugh).  Your  face — ha, 
ha,  ha ! It  is  too  funny. 

Tommy  (meanwhile  has  been  laughing  at  Herman,  nozv 
realizes  that  she  is  making  fun  of  him) . Aw,  now  you  stop ! 

Clarice.  It  seems  so  like  a dream,  and  yet — 

Herman.  Yes,  yes,  child.  Some  day  you  shall  know  all 
about  it.  Today  is  not  yet  the  time  yet.  Go  with  Tommy. 
Go  into  the  garden  with  him.  He  has  much  to  teach  you. 
You  have  much  to  learn.  I got  to  stay  here  myself  alone 
yet  and  think  it  over.  It  is  all  too  wonderful  to  believe.  Go, 
Tommy! 

Tommy  (taking  Clarice’s  hand).  Come  out  in  the  gar- 
den and  I’ll  start  you  off  with  a couple  of  lessons.  (Leads 
her  tozmrd  L.  door.) 

Herman  (zvarningly) . Careful,  Tommy — don’t  stub  your 


26 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


toe.  (Clarice  and  Tommy  laugh.  Clarice  suddenly  as- 
sumes a rigid,  doll-like  attitude.) 

Tommy.  Gosh,  pop,  she’s  stalled  again. 

Herman.  Wind  her  up,  Tommy ; wind  her  up.  (Tommy 
operates  crank  on  her  back  and  she  regains  gradually  a life- 
like, natural  attitude.) 

Tommy.  Say,  doll,  there  ain’t  no  use  tryin’  to  teach  you 
anything  if  your  system’s  goin’  to  run  down  every  few 
minutes. 

Clarice  {at  door  L.).  Oh,  I feel  better  now. 

Tommy  {holding  Clarice'^s  hand — to  Herman).  Say, 
pop,  you  made  me  a peach  of  a wife. 

Herman  {rubs  hands  delightedly  together).  Yes,  yes, 
my  boy ; I know,  I know. 

Tommy.  Then  you’d  better  get  busy  and  make  yourself 
a new  one — you  need  one  all  right.  (Tommy  and  Clarice 
exeunt  L.,  lattghingly.) 

Herman  {gazing  curiously  all  about  room).  Ach,  it  is 
all  so  strange — so  wonderful ! It  is  hard  to  realize  my  tri- 
umph. Maybe  yet  I ain’t  alive  any  more.  That’s  it.  I died 
and  went  to  heaven.  {Pauses  in  meditative  mdnner.)  No. 
No,  that  can’t  be,  either.  I saw  the  Devil.  He  was  shoost 
here.  The  Devil  wouldn’t  be  in  heaven.  Heaven  is  the  only 
place  where  dreams  come  true,  they  say.  And — {scratches 
head  reflectively)  and  my  dream  did  come  true.  But  I can’t 
be  in  heaven,  because  the  Devil — ach,  I got  it.  This  must 
be  hell.  {Sits  at  dining-table , thoughtful  pose.)  I wonder 
if  it  really  is?  {Loud  crash  off  R.,  followed  by  Mrs. 
Heinie's  voice.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {off  R.).  Of  all  the  shiftless  creatures. 
Toots  Snodgrass,  you’re  the  worst.  Go  tell  that  good-for- 
nothing  master  of  yours  that  I want  to  talk  to  him — talk  to 
him — understand  ? 

Herman  {nods  his  head  wisely,  sighs).  Yah,  this  is  hell 
all  right. 

Curtain. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


27 


i 

Act  II. 

Scene:  Same  as  Act  I.  Late  afternoon,  same  day. 

At  rise,  enter  Peck,  cautiously,  L.  Glances  fearfully  all 
about. 

Peck.  Ah,  nobody  here  again.  Well,  as  there  doesn’t 
*seem  to  be  any  kick  coming  this  time,  I believe  Pll  make 
another  attempt  to  see  Mr.  Heinie.  Lord,  but  Pve  had  a 
time  of  it  this  day.  And  Pm  so  hungry.  {Sighs.)  I won- 
der what  the  chances  are  of  getting  a bite  to  eat. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {off  R.).  Herman  Heinie,  where  are  you? 

Peck  {frightened) . Oh.  Lord — that  woman  again.  She 
mustn’t  see  me.  {Looks  about  for  a hiding  place,  discovers 
cabinet,  runs  to  it,  enters  and  closes  curtains  after  him.) 

Enter  Mrs.  Heinie,  R.  Looks  suspiciously  all  about. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Humph ! I never  did  see  anything  like 
this  in  all  my  life — never ! Can’t  find  anybody  I want  to  find 
to  talk  to.  And  when  a woman  in  my  position  in  life  can’t 
talk,  things  have  indeed  come  to  a pretty  pass.  {Looks  all 
about.)  There’s  something  mighty  mysterious  going  on  in 
this  house.  I don’t  seem  to  be  in  on  the  secrets,  but  I’m 
going  to  be  in  or  I’ll  know  the  reason  why.  {Looks  at 
cabinet.)  There’s  that  closet  thing.  Herman  Heinie  has 
something  locked  up  in  there,  and  I’m  going  to  see  it — now 
that  I have  a chance.  {Starts  for  cabinet,  then  stops.)  No, 
I won’t.  I’m  no  spy.  {Hesitates.)  I’m  no  spy — but  I’m 
terribly  curious.  I guess  if  I took  just  one  little  peek 
nobody  would  be  the  wiser.  And,  oh,  I know  I’d  feel  ever 
so  much  better.  So  here  goes!  {She  runs  to  cabinet,  parts 
curtains,  disclosing  Peck.  Picture  for  a moment.  Mrs. 
Heinie  screams,  Peck  jumps  from  cabinet,  Mrs.  Heinie 
falls  on  her  knees.) 

Peck.  Madam,  I beg  your  pardon  I I — I really — 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Oh,  Mr.  Robber,  spare  my  life — spare  my 
life! 


28 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Peck.  Certainly,  madam.  I don’t  want  your  life.  Not 
on  your  life! 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Then  please  spare  my  money.  I haven’t 
any,  but  please  spare  it  anyhow.  I am  only  a poor,  weak 
woman  who  has  married  beneath  her  station  in  life — 

Peck  {interrupting).  Rise,  woman,  rise!  (Lifts  her  to 
her  feet.)  Did  I understand  you  to  say  that  you  were  mar- 
ried ? 

Mrs.  Heinie  (sighs).  I am,  sir. 

Peck.  Who  would  ever  believe  it?  So  young,  so  fair,  so 
beautiful!  (Sighs  tenderly.) 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Of  all  the  people  I ever  came  in  contact 
with,  you  are  the  most  candid,  likewise  the  most  unbiased. 
What  a wonderful  judge  of  human  nature  you  are.  (Smirks 
at  him.) 

Peck.  I dare  say.  But  I am  wasting  time — 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Sir! 

Peck  (bows  humbly).  Pray,  don’t  misunderstand  me, 
madam.  But  I came  here  on  business — not  pleasure.  (Bows 
again.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  (pleased).  Oh,  thank  you,  sir.  (Bows.) 

Peck.  I came  to  see  Mr.  Herman  Heinie.  Would  you 
mind  trying  to  locate  him — I don’t  seem  to  be  able  to.  I 
have  a most  important  business  matter  to  present  to  him. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Pm  sure  I can’t  imagine  what  important 
business  matter  Herman  Heinie  could  have  with  anybody. 
However,  to  do  you  a favor,  I shall  try  to  find  him  at  once. 
I said  I would  try  to  find  him  at  once. 

Peck.  Yes,  I got  you  the  first  time,  thank  you. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  If  you  will  remain  here  I shall  go  imme- 
diately and  try  to  find  him.  Go  immediately  and  try  to 
find  him.  I shall  be  pleased  to  see  you  again,  sir.  (Starts 
for  R.)  I said  I shall  be  pleased  to  see  you  again,  sir. 
(Exit  R.) 

Peck.  Humph!  That  woman  can’t  think  of  things  to 
say  quick  enough,  so  she  repeats  what  she’s  said  before. 
This  is  certainly  a most  extraordinary  household — most 
extraordinary. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


29 


i Bud  (off  L,).  Come  on,  dearie.  Here  I am ; this  way. 

Peck  (looking  wildly  about).  Oh,  Lord ! Here  comes  that 
Hellow  with  the  husky  kick.  I must  make  myself  scarce. 
(Looks  all  about,  then  runs  and  hides  under  table,  the  cloth 
i'covering  him.) 

Enter  Bud  and  Clarice,  L.  He  is  in  Mephisto  and  she 
in  doll  costume. 

! Bud.  Ah,  there’s  nobody  here.  That’s  good. 

Peck  (sticks  head  out  from  under  table).  He’s  a liar, 

; but  I am  in  no  position  to  tell  him  so. 

! Clarice.  Do  you  think,  Bud,  that  everything  is  coming 
I along  all  right? 

Bud.  Immense.  But,  say,  I’ve  got  an  idea.  Suppose  we 
have  something  to  eat — just  you  and  I. 

Clarice.  That’s  a good  idea.  What  shall  we  have? ^ 

; Bud.  Oh,  just  anything  at  all.  Suppose  you  cook  some- 
thing, eh? 

Clarice.  Well,  I’m  not  much  of  a cook. 

Bud.  I’ll  take  a chance. 

Clarice.  But  I’ve  got  a good  cook  book.  Say,  I have 
’ it.  We’ll  get  the  book  and  try  cooking  something  from  it. 
Bud.  Try?  (Doubtfully.)  Say,  I’m  really  hungry,  you 
know. 

' Clarice  (gets  cook  book  from  small  table,  brings  it  back 
' to  table,  turns  over  leaves.)  Now,  let’s  see.  Here’s  a recipe 
for  angel  food. 

Bud  (laughs) . Well,  would  that  be  just  the  thing  for  me  ? 
Clarice.  What  more  befitting  food  would  you  ask.  Your 
Highness? 

Bud.  Nothing  but  a lady  kiss.  (Kisses  her.  Peck 
^ peeks  out  and  makes  a wry  face.) 

' Clarice.  If  you  don’t  behave  you’ll  have  to  get  a new 
I cook.  (Gets  large  spoon,  pan  and  dish  from  sideboard, 
[•brings  them  to  table.)  You  know.  Bud,  you  must  help. 
(She  goes  to  sideboard  again.  Bud,  with  arm  about  her, 
goes  with  her.) 

^ Bud  (looking  in  sideboard) . What  the  deuce  do  they  put 


30 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


in  angel  food,  anyhow?  Here’s  vinegar,  catsup,  shoe  polish 
— no,  no;  of  course  not.  Brandy?  Gasoline? 

Clarice.  Here,  takes  this  and  don’t  stand  there  like  a 
ninny.  {She  hands  him  package  of  floury  he  takes  it  to 
table.  She  takes  two  eggs  and  brings  them  to  table.). 

Bud  {surveying  things  doubtfully).  Now,  I suppose  the 
idea  is  to  get  those  things  together  in  some  way. 

Clarice.  Yes,  they  must  be  gotten  together — somehow. 

Bud.  Let’s  see  what  the  good  cook  book  says.  {Reads 
from  book.)  ‘Tut  into  one  tumbler  of  flour  one  teaspoon- 
ful of  cream  of  tartar,  then  sift  it  five  times.”  That’s  easy. 
But  where’s  your  cream  of  tartar? 

Clarice  {goes  to  sideboard,  gets  can,  comes  back).  Here 
we  are. 

Bud  {looking  at  can).  Why,  that’s  mustard. 

Clarice  {pouting).  Well,  that’s  the  nearest  thing  we 
have  to  cream  of  tartar. 

Bud.  Oh,  that’s  near  enough,  dearie.  Don’t  look  so  hurt. 
{Dumps  it  into  pan.)  Now  what’s  next?  {Looks  in  book. 
Reads.)  “Beat  to  a froth  the  whites  of  eleven  eggs.”  Say, 
that’s  cruelty,  you  know.  I’m  not  going  to  beat  up  a lot  of 
eggs  if  I never  eat. 

Clarice.  Oh,  go  ahead.  You  can’t  afford  to  be  so  tender- 
hearted. Here’s  the  eggs.  {Holds  out  two  eggs.) 

Bud.  Only  two  ? It  says  eleven  here. 

Clarice.  Well,  two  are  all  we  have. 

Bud.  Oh,  I get  the  idea.  I’ll  beat  the  two  eggs  twenty- 
two  times.  That  ought  to  be  the  same  thing. 

Clarice  {admiringly).  Bud,  you  missed  your  vocation. 
You  should  have  been  a cook. 

Bud.  Oh,  one  can  do  most  anything  if  they  have  to.  Now 
then,  chuck  in  the  flour.  (Clarice  pours  flour  in  pan.  Bud 
stirs  it,  dips  out  a spoonful.  Peck  puts  out  head  to  see 
what  is  going  on,  and  Bud  lets  spoonful  drop  on  his  head.} 
You  know,  dear,  I can  taste  this  already. 

Peck  {furiously  wiping  off  concoction).  So  can  I. 

Clarice.  It’s  going  to  be  good  all  right. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


31 


Bud.  Now  in  go  the  eggs.  {Breaks  eggs  and  throws 
shells  and  all  into  flour,) 

Clarice.  Now,  Bud,  you've  made  your  first  mistake. 

Bud  {anxiously).  How?  What  mistake? 

Clarice.  You  didn't  beat  your  eggs. 

Bud.  Humph  ! Leave  it  to  me.  I'll  beat  the  living  shucks 
out  of  'em.  {Grabs  spoon  and  vigorously  begins  to  stir 
flour,  zvhich  flies  all  about.) 

Clarice  {coughing,  choking,  etc.).  Bud,  Bud,  stop! 

Peck  {coughs  loudly).  Oh,  Lord! 

Bud  {business  of  searching  and  finally  discovers  Peck, 
brings  him  out  by  one  ear).  Oh,  look.  Here's  another  cook. 
Too  many  cooks  spoil  the  angel  food. 

Peck.  I beg  your  pardon — 

Bud.  Oh,  no,  you  won't.  You’ll  get  out  of  here  and  do 
it  quick.  {Runs  Peck  out  of  door  L.,  Peck  holding  back 
and  loudly  protesting.) 

Clarice.  Well,  of  all  things.  How  did  that  man  get 
in  under  that  table? 

Bud.  Don't  know  how  he  got  under,  but  I've  an  idea 
how  he  got  out.  {Looks  at  pan  of  flour,  scratches  head 
doubtfully.)  I don't  see  much  there  in  the  way  of  success, 
do  you? 

Clarice.  No,  it's  doubtful.  We’ll  have  to  try  something 
else. 

Bud.  All  right.  {Kisses  her.) 

Clarice.  You  mustn't  do  that.  Bud.  Somebody  might 
come  in  while  you  are  doing  that.  We  must  be  careful. 

Bud  {mith  arm  about  her  waist).  You're  right,  sweet- 
heart. We  must  be  very  careful.  {Kisses  her.) 

Enter  Herman  from  R. 

Herman  {falling  back  in  astonishment).  Oh,  excuse 
me — I didn't  know — 

Bud.  Oh,  that's  all  right.  {Retaining  her  hand  and  tak- 
ing out  his  watch.) 

Clarice  {aside  to  Bud).  There!  The  mischief  is  done. 

Bud  {to  Herman).  You  see,  Mr.  Heinie,  I am  merely 


32 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


taking  the  young  woman’s  pulse  to  determine  whether  or 
not  her  circulation  is  normal. 

Herman.  By  golly,  has  she  got  a pulse  yet? 

Bud.  Has  she  got  a pulse?  It’s  doing  a hundred  and 
fifty  right  now. 

Herman.  So?  Why,  dots  exceeding  de  speed  limit. 

Bud.  I guess  Tommy  wound  her  up  too  tight. 

Clarice.  Tommy  thinks  I’m  an  alarm  clock. 

Bud.  By  the  way,  Mr.  Heinie,  is  your  wife  about?  I 
should  like  to  meet  her. 

Herman  {comedy  expression  on  face).  You — you  should 
like  to  meet  my  wife? 

Bud.  Certainly.  Is  there  any  reason  why  I shouldn’t? 

Herman  {chuckles) . No,  Your  Highness.  On  the  con- 
trary, there  is  every  reason  in  the  world  why  you  should. 
Wait,  I shall  be  very  glad  to  inform  her  that  the  Devil 
wants  her.  {Bows  and  exits  R.) 

Clarice.  Oh,  Bud,  if  she  should  recognize  us.  I tremble 
at  the  thought. 

Bud.  Don’t  do  any  trembling  while  Bud’s  on  the  job. 

Enter  Peck,  L.  Woe-begone  manner. 

Peck.  I beg  your  pardon — 

Bud.  Say,  are  you  here  yet  or  again? 

Peck.  I told  you  I would  return.  When  does  the  mas- 
querade take  place? 

Bud.  Say,  this  is  the  second  time  you’ve  butted  in  here. 

Peck.  Young  man,  you’re  a poor  mathematician.  You 
haven’t  kept  a very  good  account  of  my  buttin’-ins.  Pm  get- 
ting awfully  tired,  too.  I can’t  get  a hearing.  Besides,  take 
a look  at  my  coat.  ( T tirns  and  exhibits  large  tear  in  back 
of  coat.)  A crazy  girl  with  a broom  did  that. 

Clarice.  Poor  man ! 

Bud.  Poor  nothing!  {To  Peck.)  Now  you  get  out  of 
here — quick ! 

Peck.  But,  my  dear  sir — 

Bud.  But  nothing.  And  don’t  butt  in  here  again — un- 
derstand? {Runs  Peck  out  door  L.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


33 


Clarice.  Gracious!  Wonder  who  he  can  be? 

Bud.  Don't  know — don’t  care.  Just  now  we  have  other 
business  on  hand.  re-enter  L. 

Peck.  I go,  but  I’ll  see  you  later.  {Exit  L.) 

Enter  Herman  and  Mrs.  Heinie,  R. 

Herman.  Your  Highness — 

Mrs.  Heinie  {interrupting  with  a scream).  What  on 
earth  is  this? 

Herman.  Calm  yourself,  my  dear.  It  is  only  the  Devil. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Oh,  dear!  Oh,  dear!  This  all  comes  in 
marrying  a man  so  far  beneath  you  in  social  standing.  But 
it  is  all  a joke.  It  can’t  be  really  and  truly — 

Herman  {pompously) . My  dear,  permit  me  to  introduce 
to  you  his  most  august  Majesty — the  Devil!  Mr.  Devil, 
Mrs.  Heinie. 

Bud  {nnth  outstretched  hand).  Delighted  to  meet  you, 
I am  sure. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {taking  his  hand  nervously) . I’m — I’m — 

Herman  {aside).  By  golly!  She’s  almost  speechless. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {pointing  at  Clarice).  And  that — that  per- 
son. Who  is  she  ? 

Clarice  {indignantly) . Person!  How  dare  you,  madam! 

Bud  {aside  to  Clarice).  Now,  now;  easy  on  the  rough 
stuff. 

Herman.  She’s  another  surprise  for  you,  my  dear. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Humph!  She  looks  like  a ballet  dancer. 

Herman  {clearing  his  throat).  Ahem,  my  dear.  You 
do  not  understand.  Can’t  you  guess — can’t  you  see?  It  is 
she — my  Masterpiece.  Endowed  with  life. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  What!  Nonsense!  Impossible! 

Bud.  It  is  true,  my  dear  madam.  Your  husband  is  a 
genius.  And  you,  most  gracious  of  women,  must  surely 
have  been  the  inspiration  for  his  wonderful  art. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {smiles,  flattered).  Oh,  Your  Majesty, 
{Bows.) 

Herman  {to  Bud).  Nay,  nay.  Your  Highness.  The 
credit  belongs  most  to  you  yet. 


34 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Mrs.  Heinie.  Yes,  I’ll  warrant  you  it  does.  You  never 
were  any  account  and  never  will  be.  I said,  you  never  were 
any  account  and  never  will  be.  {Suddenly.)  But  look  at 
your  Masterpiece.  (Clarice  has  meantime  assumed  a rigid 
attitude.  Bud  operates  crank  and  she  gradually  returns  to 
life  again.) 

Clarice.  Madam,  you  do  your  noble  husband  an  injus- 
tice. He  is  a grand  and  wonderful  man. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Humph ! I don’t  think  much  of  you  as  a 
critic.  I said,  I don’t  think  much  of  you  as  a critic.  Some- 
body has  to  wind  you  up  every  little  while. 

Herman.  They  don’t  have  to  you,  my  dear.  {To  Mrs. 
Heinie.)  But  aside  from  all  this,  if  it  were  not  for  me 
you  would  never  have  had  the  opportunity  of  being  intro- 
duced to  royalty.  {Indicates  Bud.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {gushingly).  Oh,  I have  long  dreamed  of 
that  exquisite  pleasure,  but  I had  the  great  misfortune  to 
marry  beneath  my  real  station  in  life,  consequently — 

Bud  {interrputing) . Say  no  more,  madam.  One  can  see 
that  at  a glance.  {Throws  a meaning  look  at  Herman.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {smiling  and  smirking  at  Bud).  Oh,  Your 
Highness ; you  flatter  me. 

Toots  enters  from  R.,  stands  at  back  C.,  watching  scene 
closely. 

Bud  {to  Mrs.  Heinie).  And  now,  madam,  with  your 
permission,  I am  going  to  ask  your  husband  to  have  his 
wonderful  doll  dance  for  our  entertainment. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {graciously).  I am  quite  sure  that  you 
know  what  is  best,  Your  Highness.  {Looks  scornfully  at 
Herman.) 

(Clarice  introduces  a song  and  dance  specialty.) 

Bud  {to  Mrs.  Heinie^  after  specialty).  Come,  my  dear 
lady.  Permit  me  to  ofifer  you  my  arm,  and  we  will  stroll  in 
the  garden.  {He  bows  gallantly,  she  takes  his  arm  and 
they  walk  slowly  tozvard  door  L.)  You  and  I have  much 
in  common,  dear  lady. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {at  door  L.).  Oh,  Your  Majesty.  You  are 
so  delightful. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


35 


Bud.  Come,  let  us  stroll.  {They  exeunt  L.) 

Herman  {following  them  to  door).  Yes — and  keep  on 
strolling.  {Turns  to  Clarice.)  My  wife  has  found  her 
f affinity  at  last.  {Chuckles.) 

Clarice  {indignantly) . If  he  thinks  Vm  going  to  stand 
I'for  that,  I’ll  show  him.  {Stamps  foot.) 

Herman  {to  Clarice).  No,  no,  my  dear.  You  are  not 
for  him.  Fate  has  decreed  that  you  shall  wed  my  boy, 
■Tommy. 

Toots,  at  back  C.,  now  for  the  first  time  moves.  Places 
a hand  on  her  heart  and  almost  faints. 

Clarice  {to  Herman).  What?  Me  marry  that  brain- 
less, freckle-faced,  knock-kneed,  loose-jointed,  overgrown, 
country  .lout  of  a bumpkin  ? 

Herman.  Well,  aside  of  the  few  things  you  have  men- 
tioned, he’s  a nice  boy,  ain’t,  he  ? 

Clarice.  I don’t  want  to  marry  anybody.  {Cries.)  I 
hate — hate  everybody.  I’m  going  back  and  be  a doll  again. 
I’m— I’m— 

Herman  {soothingly) . There,  there.  You  mustn’t  cry. 
Everything  will  be  all  right  yet.  You  have  already  been 
alive  a few  moments  yet,  and  you  are  crying  already.  Wait 
till  you  have  been  in  this  old  world  a few  years  yet,  and 
then  maybe  you  will  find  plenty  to  cry  about.  {Pats  her 
hand  tenderly.)  Come;  come  with  me.  We’ll  take  a walk 
on  the  outside  and  look  at  God’s  sunshine,  His  'flowers  and 
His  trees,  and  we’ll  listen  to  His  birds  sing.  You  know, 
I ain’t  the  only  one  that  makes  nice  things.  God  makes  ’em, 
too.  Yes,  my  child.  God  makes  some  awfully  nice  things. 
{They  exeunt  L.,  his  arm  around  her.) 

Toots  {coming  dozvn  C.,  stares  after  them  in  astonish- 
ment). Well,  I’ll  be  doggoned!  If  this  ain’t  a lunatical 
asylum,  then  I’m  a last  year’s  bird’s  nest.  Now,  that  one 
man  was  Mr.  Devil,  and  that  female  gal — where  in  a six- 
teen— acre  lot  did  she  come  from? 

Enter  Peck,  L.  One  eye  is  blackened  and  he  presents  a 
generally  disheveled  appearance. 

Peck.  I beg  your  pardon — 


36 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Toots.  And  hire’s  another.  Oh,  gosh! 

Peck.  I say,  I beg  your  pardon.  Do  you  see  this  eye. 
{Indicates  blackened  eye.) 

Toots.  Uh — uh  ! 

Peck.  Now  Pm  going  to  tell  you  something — 

Toots  {interrupting).  'Tain't  no  use.  Pll  laugh  before 
you  start. 

Peck  {angrily).  This  is  a fine  place — a fine  place,  I 
must  say. 

Toots.  Say,  if  you  ain’t  full  of  admiration  for  it,  you 
can  hit  the  long  and  dusty  high  road  forthwith.  And  to 
make  certain  that  you  don’t  miss  it,  Pll  herewith  give  you 
full  and  precise  directions  as  to  how  to  reach  it;  also  a 
flying  start.  {Comedy  chase,  with  him  going  through  door 
L.,  she  coming  back  to  C.)  Gosh  all  fish  hooks!  Between 
one  thing  and  the  next  thing  to  it,  the  squirrels  will  be  fol- 
lowing me  purty  soon.  Humph!  Toots  Snodgrass,  your 
lovin’  disposition  has  been  spoiled.  That  purty  gal  is  going 
to  marry  Tommy.  That’s  cause  I ain’t  got  money  and  fine 
clothes.  But  I got  a idea.  That  summer  boarder  that  was 
here  last  summer  and  couldn’t  pay  her  board,  left  a lot  of 
swell  clothes.  Pm  a-goin’  to  dress  up  flashier  than  a band 
on  a nickel  see-gar ; then  we’ll  see.  I ain’t  had  much  money 
in  all  my  life.  Once  I had  $12,  all  at  one  and  the  same 
time,  and  the  house  got  so  full  of  microbes  from  so  much 
money  that  I had  to  spend  $3  for*  powder  to  kill  ’em  ofif. 
Ever  since  then  Pve  been  so  broke  that  the  kids  on  the 
street  stop  and  give  me  their  pennies.  But  you  just  wait  till 
I tog  myself  out  in  them  fine  clothes.  Pll  show  ’em. 

Enter  Tommy,  R.  He  goes  behind  Toots. 

Tommy  {sharply).  Boo! 

Toots  {badly  frightened,  falls  on  knees,  covers  face  with 
hands).  Oh.  please,  good,  kind  Mr.  Devil,  don’t  take  me — 
don’t  take  me.  I don’t  want  to  play  in  your  yard. 

Tommy  {jumping  about  in  glee).  Oh,  I scart  you;  f 
scart  you. 

Toots  {looking  about  at  him).  You  never  did.  I knew 
it  was  you  all  the  time,  smarty.  {Rises.)  Hut  Pni  kinder 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


3/ 


• nervous  today.  I never  did  see  so  much  goin’s  on,  even  in 
a circus.  Say,  Tommy,  the  Devil  was  here. 

Tommy.  Oh,  you  ain't  got  nothin'  on  me.  I seen  him 
Vwhen  he  first  came  in.  Besides,  he's  a most  particular 
^.friend  of  mine.  Pop  invited  him  to  come  here  and  pay  us 
a visit. 

Toots.  Gosh,  sakes!  He  ain't  a regular  Devil,  is  he? 
Tommy.  Yep.  Got  horns,  hoofs — and  gosh  how  he 
I smells  of  brimstone — just  perzactly  like  a match. 

Toots  {looking  around  in  affright).  Well,  I ain't  done 

• nothin'  to  be  ashamed  of. 

! Tommy.  And  did  you  see  that  purty  gal? 
i Toots.  Uh — uh! 

r Tommy.  That's  my  wife.  (Proudly  strutting  about.) 

I Toots.  What! 

Tommy.  Well,  not  just  now;  but  she's  goin'  ter  be. 
Toots.  O,  Tommy ! 

Tommy.  And  then  pop's  goin'  to  buy  me  a honeymoon 
and  a stork. 

Toots.  A honeymoon  and  a what? 

Tommy.  A stork.  Don't  you  know  what  a storK  is? 
That's  something  that  comes  around  with  a long  bill. 

Toots.  Oh,  you  mean  the  groceryman.  But  say.  Tommy, 
you  ought  to  hear  what  that  purty  gal  called  you.  Why, 
she  called  you  everything  in  the  directory,  from  cover  to 
’ cover.  Said  you  was  knock-kneed,  frog-eyed,  freckle-faced, 
skinny,  bow-legged,  brainless  and  a country  bumpkin. 

I Tommy.  Well,  maybe  I am.  I don't  care. 

Toots  (takes  an  orange  from  table  and  starts  to  eat  it). 
“Well,  you  are  all  right,  and  she  cares.  . 

Tommy  (tries  to  snatch  orange).  Give  me  that  orange. 
( How  dare  you  eat  a orange  when  I want  to  eat  a orange. 

Toots.  That  ain't  your  orange;  that's  my  orange.  I'm 
'goin'  to  eat  my  orange. 

Tommy.  That's  my  orange  and  you  can't  eat  my  orange 
when  I want  to  eat  my  orange. 

Toots.  Well,  what'll  we  do?  There's  only  one  orange 
*"and  there's  two  of  us. 


38 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Tommy.  I know.  The  one  who  tells  the  biggest  lie  gets 
the  orange. 

Toots.  All  right.  You  start. 

Tommy.  Well,  one  time — 

Enter  Herman,  L. 

Herman.  Hello,  children.  What  are  you  doing  yet? 

Tommy.  We’re  tryin’  to  see  who  gets  this  orange.  If  I 
tell  a bigger  lie  than  Toots,  I get  it,  and  if  Toots  tells  a 
bigger  lie  than  me,  she  gets  it. 

Herman.  Tut,  tut,  children.  You  shouldn’t  tell  lies. 
Under  no  circumstances  is  one  justified  in  telling  lies.  Now. 
I never  told  a lie  in  all  my  life. 

Toots  {to  Tommy).  Tommy,  give  your  paw  the  orange. 
(Tommy  gives  orange  to  Herman.  Tommy  and  Toots 
laugh  heartily  and  exeunt  R.) 

Herman  {sinking  wearily  into  chair).  Ach,  I don’t 
know  what  to  make  of  that  doll.  Sometimes  I think  I ain’t 
got  yet  the  real  spark  of  life.  She  runs  down  and  then  I 
got  to  crank  her  up  like  a auto.  Shoost  now  in  the  garden 
I cranked  her  and  she  run  away — so  fast  I couldn’t  catch 
her.  Maybe  she  don’t  come  back  no  more. 

Enter  Peck,  L.  His  collar  hangs  loosely,  tom  from 
button. 

Peck.  I beg  your  pardon — 

Herman  {excitedly,  to  feet).  So,  ’tis  you,  you  scoundrel. 
Have  you  seen  my  doll? 

Peck  {zvearily).  Have  I seen  your  what? 

Herman.  My  doll ; my  doll. 

Peck.  Say,  do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  an  old  man  like 
you  plays  with  dolls? 

Herman  {patiently).  Say,  please,  I am  asking  you — 
don’t  laugh  at  me — I am  asking  you  a civilized  question  yet. 
Have  you  seen  my  doll? 

Peck.  I have  not.  And  furthermore,  I haven’t  seen  your 
kite,  your  marbles  or  your  top,  or  any  of  your  other  little 
playthings.  Now  I want  to  ask  you  something.  Have  you 
seen  my  coat?  {Turns  and  exhibits  torn  coat.)  And  then 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


39 


again,  I want  to  ask  you  if  you  have  seen  this  eye?  {Indi- 
cates blackened  eye.) 

Herman.  Ach,  I care  not  for  those  things,  sir. 

Peck.  Well,  perhaps  the  awful  condition  of  my  linen 
may  appeal  to  you.  {Indicates  torn  collar.) 

Herman.  Bah ! All  those  things  are  mere  trifles  com- 
pared to  my  troubles.  I think  I discover  the  spark  of  life 
which  animates  my  Masterpiece;  but,  presto,  I am  deceived. 
It  is  not  so  yet.  {Rises,  angrily.)  And  you — you  are  the 
one  who  is  responsible.  You  come  to  steal.  I was  warned, 
but  too  late.  .Now,  go.  Go  bring  back  my  doll  or  I shall 
make  you  trouble. 

Peck  {laughs  in  sickly  fashion).  You  make  me  trouble? 
You?  After  showing  you  my  coat,  my  eye,  my  linen;  after 
going  all  day  without  a bite  to  eat;  after  getting  kicked 
but  of  here  a dozen  times  or  more.  You  make  me  trouble? 
Bah!  You  can’t  do  it. 

Herman.  Very  well.  I shall  prove  it.  (Herman  grabs 
Peck  and  runs  him  off  L.  Returns  to  table,  sinks  in  chair 
and  buries  his  face  in  his  arms.) 

Enter  Mrs.  Heinie,  R. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Well,  now  what  seems  to  be  the  matter? 
Flave  you  lost  all  ambition? 

Herman  {sadly).  Yes — and  my  doll  too  yet. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Well,  Pm  glad  of  it,  for  my  part.  {Sud- 
denly and  looking  around.)  Have  you  seen  His  Highness? 
Did  he  come  in  here  ? I seem  to  h^ve  lost  him. 

Herman.  You  lost  him  and  I lost  my  doll. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Oh,  I shall  find  him  again,  never  fear. 

Herman.  Sure  you  will — some  day. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  I think,  without  exception,  that  he’s  the 
grandest  man  I ever  met.  So  kind,  so  thoughtful,  and  he 
uses  such  exquisite  language.  {Sighs.)  Ah,  that  I had 
only  met  him  years  ago. 

Herman  {sadly).  I echo  your  wish  with  all  my  heart. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Oh,  why  couldn’t  you  have  been  more  like 
His  Majest}^ 


40 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Herman.  It  is  true,  my  dear,  that  we  are  not  well 
matched. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Well,  whose  fault  is  it?  You’ve  always 
declared  that  matches  were  made  in  heaven. 

Herman.  True,  my  dear;  I said  that.  But  in  our  case 
there  must  have  been  a mistake  made  in  delivering  the 

Enter  Bud,  L. 


Bud  {to  Mrs.  Heinie).  Ah,  my  dear  Mrs.  Heinie,  there 
you  are.  I’ve  been  searching  the  garden  and  the  grounds 
for  you.  So  sorry  I missed  you.  {Takes  her  hand.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {graciously).  Pray,  don’t  apologize.  Your 
Majesty. 

Bud  {toying  with  her  hand).  I was  just  commencing  to 
thoroughly  enjoy  our  little  tete-a-tete  when  I was  called  to 
the  long  distance  telephone. 

Herman.  Is — is  your  residence  connected  by  phone? 

Bud.  Oh,  yes.  In  fact,  every  phone  is  connected  with 
— well,  you  take  my  word  for  it.  In  other  words,  you  have 
a Halifax  of  a time  whenever  you  use  a phone. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {to  Bud).  Your  Highness,  shall  we  again 
stroll  in  the  garden? 

Bud  {still  toying  with  her  hand).  Nothing,  I assure  you. 
dear  lady,  would  give  me  more  pleasure  than  to  stroll  in  the 
garden  with  you. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Oh,  how  nicely  you  put  things.  Your 
Highness.  I’m  quite  sure  you  know  what  is  best. 

Herman.  Say,  I hope  I ain’t  intruding  here  ? 

Bud  {toying  with  her  hand).  Oh,  no;  don’t  mind  us. 
{To  her.)  Come.  Let  us  go  where  we  may  be  alone. 

Herman.  And  stroll. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {at  door  L.,  with  Bud).  Yes,  we  will  go 
where  we  may  be — alone.  (Bud  and  Mrs.  Heinie  exeunt 
L.,  much  interested  in  each  other.) 

Herman  {chuckles).  I hope  he  strolls  so  far  it’ll  be 
nearer  his  home  than  mine. 

Clarice  enters  R.,  just  in  time  to  see  Bud’s  exit  zvith 
Mrs.  Heinie. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


41 


Clarice  {angrily).  So  that  is  the  way  the  wind  blows, 
is  it? 

Herman  {eagerly).  You — you  come  back  again.  Ach, 
I am  glad.  You  see  those  two? 

Clarice.  Yes,  I see  those  two.  Do  you  suppose  I am 
going  to  permit  an  affair  of  that  kind  to  bud  and  blossom? 

Herman.  My  dear,  the  Devil  is  entirely  welcome  to  the 
harvest  he  reaps. 

Clarice  {half  crying).  Til  not  stand  it.  Til  put  a stop 
to  it.  I will — so  there! 

Enter  Tommy,  R.  He  carries  a large  horse  pistol. 

Tommy.  Til  fix  that  robber  if  he  comes  monkeying 
around  here.  {Flourishes  pistol.  He  and  Herman  confer 
aside.) 

Clarice  {aside).  Tve  an  idea.  Til  make  desperate  love 
to  Tommy.  He’s  making  love  to  Mrs.  Heinie,  and  Til  just 
play  even.  {Calls  to  Tommy.)  Oh,  Tommy,  come  here. 

Tommy.  Eh? 

Clarice.  Come  here,  you  dear  sweet  boy.  Where  have 
you  been?  Eve  been  dreadfully  lonesome  without  you.  {Sits 
on  table,  feet  swinging  back  and  forth.)  Oh,  come,  now; 
don’t  be  bashful.  I want  to  talk  to  you. 

Tommy  {bashfully  hanging  back).  Oh,  I don’t  want  to. 

Herman  {pushing  Tommy  tozvard  Clarice).  Go  on. 
Tommy  boy.  Never  be  out  when  Opportunity  knocks.  Op- 
portunity in  this  case  is  a very  charming- girl.  As  for  me, 
I go  and  give  Opportunity  a chance.  {Exits  L.) 

Clarice  {looking  after  Herman  pityingly).  Poor  old 
man.  I hope  we  are  doing  the  right  thing.  {To  Tommy.) 
Come  here — sit  close  beside  me. 

Tommy  {hanging  back).  I gotta  look  for  that  robber. 
{Flourishes  pistol.) 

Clarice  {startled).  Robber?  What  robber? 

Tommy.  Why,  that  robber  that’s  hangin’  around  here 
tryin’  to  steal  you. 

Clarice  {frightened) . My  gracious — 

Tommy.  Oh,  don’t  be  scart — I’m  here. 


42 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Clarice  {nervously) , Yes,  I know,  Tommy,  but — why 
— why  should  he  want  to  steal  me  ? 

Tommy  {silly  laugh).  Gee,  gosh ! Any  mail’d  like  to  steal 
a peach  like  you. 

Clarice  {laughingly).  Oh,  you  flatterer. 

Tommy.  I ain’t  no  flathead.  You  know,  that  robber 
thinks  you’re  a doll  yet. 

Clarice.  I see.  And  if  I were  a doll  and  he  should  steal 
me,  he  could  probably  sell  me  for  a lot  of  money. 

Tommy.  Yes,  of  course  he  could.  But  I guess  I better 
wind  you  up  again.  {Turns  crank  on  her  back.) 

Clarice  {laughs).  I’ll  run  for  a while  yet.  But  I’m  glad 
that  I’m  not  a doll.  Tommy — for  your  sake.  Come  here. 

Tommy  {bashful  comedy  walk  to  her.  When  near  her 
he  takes  a pin  from  his  coat  and  jabs  it  into  the  calf  of  her 
limb.)  There! 

Clarice  {screams,  jumps  from  table,  rubs  ankle,  etc.). 
Oh,  you  bad,  bad  boy. 

Tommy  {grins).  Did  it  hurt? 

Clarice.  Certainly  it  hurt.  What  made  you  do  it? 

Tommy.  I wanted  to  see  if  you  leaked  any  sawdust. 

Clarice.  The  idea.  I haven’t  any  sawdust  in  my — well, 
anyhow  it  hurt.  {Climbs  back  on  table.) 

Tommy.  And  ain’t  you  got  a lot  of  wheels  inside  some- 
where? {Lays  pistol  on  table.)  Or  in  your  head  or  some 
place?  {Feels  of  her  head.) 

Enter  Toots  from  R.  She  carries  a dishpan  and  towel. 
Stops  short  in  surprise. 

Clarice.  Why,  no,  Tommy.  I guess  I’m  just  like  other 
folks  around  here.  {Discovers  Toots.  Smiles  knowingly.) 

(Toots  takes  position  at  back  C.  Watches  curiously.) 

Tommy.  You’re  a whole  lot  purtier  than  Toots,  and  a 
heap  nicer.  {Puts  arm  about  her  waist.) 

(Toots  drops  dishpan  to  floor  zvith  a crash,  then  runs 
and  hides  behind  chimney  corner.  Clarice  and  Tommy 
huddle  together  in  fright  for  a moment,  then  Tommy  grabs 
pistol  and  whirls  about,  flourishing  pistol.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


43 


\ Clarice.  Be  careful,  Tommy. 

Tommy  {closing  eyes  and  flourishing  pistol).  Throw  up 
your  hands,  you  gosh  blamed  robber.  I got  ye  covered. 

Clarice  {looking  cautiously  all  about).  Why,  Tommy, 
there’s  nobody  here. 

Tommy  {shaking  with  fright  hut  speaking  boastfully). 
' \\"ell,  it’s  a mighty  lucky  thing  for  them  there  isn’t.  I’d  a 
shot  his  head  ofif  and  thrown  it  in  his  face. 

Clarice  {laughs).  I need  have  no  fear  when  you  are 
around.  Come  here  and  sit  down.  (Tommy  gets  back  on 
table  beside  her.)  So  you  think  I’m  prettier  than  Toots,  do 
you  ? 

' Tommy.  Oh,  mucher.  You  got  purtier  clothes  and  hair 
and  everything. 

Toots  sticks  head  from  behind  chimney  corner.  Bud 
enters  from  L.  Starts  in  surprise.  He  is  unseen  by  others. 

Bud  {aside).  Well,  I’ll  be  darned. 

Clarice  {suddenly  discovering  aside) . Aha!  Bud’s 
here.  {To  Tommy.)  You  know.  Tommy,  I didn’t  think  so 
, much  of  you  at  first,  but  now — now  I think  you’re  the  nicest 
boy  I ever  met.  (Bud  shakes  fist.  Toots  makes  wry  face.) 

Tommy  {silly  laugh).  Gosh!  And  I think  you’re  the 
slickest  gal  I ever  met.  (Toots  makes  another  grimace.) 

I Clarice.  I’m  so  glad  you  like  me.  {Strokes  his  face.) 

Tommy.  Say,  what’s  your  name,  anyhow. 

, Clarice.  My  name?  Oh,  you  may  call  me  Baby  Doll. 

{Comedy  business  by  Bud  and  Toots  at  mention  of  name.) 
I Tommy.  Baby  Doll!  Say,  that’s  a humdinger  of  a name. 

, You  know.  Baby  Doll,  there’s  a fellow  comes  around  here 
I to  see  my  cousin,  Clarice.  His  name  is  Bud  Barlow.  And 
I Bud’s  a purty  slick  chap,  too.  Lots  of  people  can’t  tell  Bud 
from  me,  only  I’m  a purtier  fellow  than  him. 

Clarice.  Well,  I should  say  you  were.  {Comedy  husi- 
iness'  by  Bud.) 

Tommy  {suspiciously).  How  do  you  know? 

I Clarice  {confusedly).  Well,  I — I — know  that  no  man 
could  be  as  handsome  as  you  are,  darling.  {Pats  his  cheek.) 


44 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Tommy.  Gosh!  That  tickles  good.  (Business  by  Bud 
and  Toots.) 

Clarice.  But  why  did  you  speak  of  this  person?  What 
did  you  say  his  name  was? 

Tommy.  Bud  Barlow. 

Clarice.  My,  what  a common,  vulgar  name.  (Bud 
gasps.) 

Tommy.  I spoke  of  him,  Baby  Doll — gosh,  but  that’s 
a purty  name.  I like  to  say  that  name.  I spoke  of  Bud 
Barlow  because  he’s  a purty  slick  chap  with  the  gals,  and 
I thought  maybe  he’d  come  around  here  and  cut  me  out 
with  you. 

Clarice.  He  hasn’t  a chance  in  the  world.  (Bvd  shakes 
fist.) 

Tommy.  He  thinks  he’s  smart,  but  he  ain’t.  He  only 
thinks  he  is.  (Clarice  laughs.  Bud  frowns.) 

Clarice.  You  are  such  a funny  boy.  But — but  you 
haven’t  done  anything  yet. 

Tommy  (puzzled,  looking  about).  Done  anythin’?  Wadda 
you  mean,  done  anythin’? 

Clarice.  You  know  what  I mean.  (Puckers  iip  lips.) 
You — you  haven’t  kissed  me  yet.  (Astounded  business  by 
Bud  and  Toots.)  , 

Tommy.  Gosh!  How’d  you  know  there  was  anything 
like  a kiss?  You  ain’t  been  alive  only  a few  hours. 

Clarice.  I don’t  know,  but  I’m  willing  to  take  a chance. 
(Puckers  lips.  Bud  and  Toots  display  anger.) 

Tommy  (bashfully).  I — I ain’t  used  to  doin’  anythin’ 
like  this  on  such  a short  notice. 

Clarice.  But  I insist. 

Tommy.  Did  you  ever  have  a kiss  before? 

Clarice  (slowly  and  impressively).  No.  I was  never 
kissed  before  in  all  my  life.  (Bud  throws  up  both  hands. 
Tommy  leads  Clarice  to  L.  door.) 

Tommy.  You  know.  Baby  Doll,  you  get  ready  like  you’d 
been  on  the  job  before  sometime.  (Wipes  his  lips  ivith 
back  of  hand.)  Now  this  is  going  to  tickle  a whole  lot. 
(Clarice  and  Tommy  exeunt  L.  door,  followed  by  Bud.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


45 


Enter  Herman  from  R.,  closely  followed  by  Mrs.  Heinie. 
Swift  action  to  finish. 

Mrs.  Heinie  (excitedly).  Don’t  tell  me  to  go — well, 
where  you  told  me  to  go.  I want  you  to  distinctly  under- 
stand that  I am  boss  of  this  house.  Understand,  boss  of 
this  house. 

Herman.  You  can  be  the  boss ; I don’t  care.  All  I want 
is  my  Masterpiece.  She  is  gone.  (Looks  wildly  about, 
wringing  hands.) 

Toots  (coming  from  hiding  place).  That  there  doll  just 
went  down  the  road  there  lickity-split. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  And  His  Royal  Highness? 

Toots.  Was  after  her  likewise  lickity-split. 

Herman  (going  towards  door  L.).  Ach,  I must  go  after 
her. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  And  I — I must  go  after  him — my  Royal 
Prince.  (They  exeunt  L.,  hiuriedly.) 

Toots  (going  to  door  and  looking  out).  There  goes  the 
doll.  Tommy,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Heinie — and  the  Devil  is  after 
’em  all.  xAin’t  he  just  splen-did? 

Enter  Dora  Mee  and  Peck  from  R.  Toots  conceals 
herself. 

Peck  (to  Dora).  Ah,  my  darling,  no  matter  what  comes 
I of  my  visit  here,  I shall  have  ample  reward  for  all  my  mis- 
fortunes in  the  fact  that  you  love  me  and  that  I love  you. 

Dora.  Oh,  but  this  is  so  sudden. 

Peck  (puts  an  arm  about  her  zimst).  Don’t  let  that 
|Worr}^  you.  It  is  always  sudden  when  a love  like  ours  oc- 
curs. Come.  Let  us  stroll  in  the  garden,  where  we  may 
. escape  this  din  and  be  alone. 

Dora  (comic  sigh).  Yes,  I love  to  be  alone — with  you, 
dear  Henry.  (They  exeunt  L.,  in  comic  love-making  man- 
ner. Toots  comes  from  hiding  place,  looks  after  them.) 
i Toots.  Oh,  gosh!  Some  more  ''mush.”  What’s  the 
matter  with  this  house  today?  Everybody’s  got  it  but  me. 
^As  for  me,  my  lovin’  disposition  has  sure  got  an  awful  jolt. 
fGoes  to  dining  table.)  xAnd  Tommy — Tommy  said  as  how 


46 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


I wasn’t  party  and  didn’t  have  no  fine  clothes.  But  I’ll  show 
him.  I’ll  tog  up  and  paint  my  face — and  be  a real  lady. 
{Sinks  into  a chair,  elbows  on  table,  with  deep  emotion.) 
I’ll  be  there,  Tommy  Tucker.  I’ll  be  there  with  bells  on,  and 
every  one  a-ringin’ ! 

Curtain. 


Act  III. 

Exterior  of  Herman’s  house.  Early  evening.  Set  house 
with  practical  steps  R.  Back  wood  drop  or  meadow  view. 
Picket  fence  across  the  back  with  gate  opening  at  C.  Garden 
bench  down  L.  of  C.  Hammock  swung  at  L.  On  porch 
there  are  three  or  four  flower  pots  for  Herman  to  break. 

At  rise,  enter  Herman  through  gate  at  C.  He  stops  and 
looks  off  R.  and  L.,  sighs  wearily  and  crosses  to  porch  steps 
and  pauses. 

Herman.  It  ain’t  no  use  yet.  My  Masterpiece  is  gone. 
Stolen  by  that  robber.  Ach,  all  my  labor  gone  for  nothing 
— all  for  nothing.  My  wife  is  right.  I am  shoost  a good- 
for-nothing.  Shoost  a good-for-nothing.  {Goes  wearily 
up  steps  and  into  house.) 

Enter  Bud  gate.  Comes  down  to  bench,  after  first  glanc- 
ing cautiously  all  about. 

Bud.  Well,  I guess  I played  the  Devil  all  right,  all  right. 
And  I certainly  balled  up  everything  in  fine  shape.  {Sits  on 
bench.)  Now  everybody  hates  everybody  they  shouldn’t, 
and  everybody  loves  everybody  they  shouldn’t.  Clarice  has 
thrown  me  over  for  Tommy,  Tommy  has  Toots  crying  her 
eyes  out,  Mrs.  Heinie  is  madly  in  love  with,  the  Devil,  poor 
old  Mr.  Heinie  is  nearer  crazy  than  he  has  ever  been,  the 
gentleman  with  the  butt-in  habit  has  still  got  it,  and — oh, 
it’s  a fine  mess.  {Rises  and  waves  arms  despairingly.)  A 
fine  mess ! But  I’m  not  beaten  yet.  I am  going  to  appoint 
myself  chairman  of  the  Squaring  Committee,  and  set  things 
right  again.  So  keep  both  eyes  on  the  regular  chairman 
of  the  All  Right  League. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


47 


ji 

■ Mrs.  Heinie  {inside  house).  Toots  Snodgrass,  where 
are  you?  Go  find  His  Royal  Highness  and  ask  him  to  join 
me  in  the  garden.  {Appears  on  porch  at  finish  of  speech.) 

Bud  {aside).  Gee  whiz!  Tve  just  appointed  myself 
chairman  of  the  All  Right  League,  and — look  who’s  here. 
{Takes  off  hat  with  a gallant  fionrish  and  salutes  her.)  Ah, 
good  e\^ening,  Mrs.  Heinie. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {at  foot  of  steps,  coldly).  Oh,  so  it’s  you, 
is  it? 

Bud  {cheerfully) . Surest  thing  you  know,  ma’am.  But— 
have  you  lost  something?  Perhaps  I might  be  of  some  assist- 
ance to  you. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {walks  toward  gate,  pauses  half  zvay,  freez- 
\ingly).  The  only  possible  assistance  you  can  ever  give  me, 

' Mr.  Bud  Barlow,  is  to  remove  your  presence  from  my  sight 
— forever!  {Exits  through  gate,  turning  L,  and  off.  Bud 
stares  after  her  in  amazement.) 

Enter  Tommy  from  house,  stumbles  down  steps  and 
starts  towards  gate,  zvhistling  loudly. 

Bud.  Hey,  Tommy;  wait  a minute.  I want  to  whisper 
in  your  ear. 

Tommy  {edging  towards  gate).  Ain’t  got  a second.  Got 
to  find  my  wife.  Besides,  we  don’t  want  you  hanging 
around  here.  Scat!  {Dashes  out  gate,  turns  L and  off.) 

Bud  {recoils  in  astonishment,  then  laughs  good  na- 
turedly).  I’m  starting  out  great.  I really  believe  I am  going 
to  like  my  new  job.  Ah,  somebody  else  comes. 

I Enter  Herman  from  house,  dozmt  steps  slowly. 

Herman.  Oh,  it’s  you,  eh.  Bud?  You  ain’t  seen  my — 
no,  no,  she’s  gone.  Nobody  will  ever  see  her  again.  {Starts 
for  gate.) 

Bud  {eagerly).  Just  a moment,  Mr.  Heinie;  please,  just 
a moment. 

^ Herman  {not  turning).  Got  no  time  yet.  Bud.  I got 
to  keep  on  and  on  until  I find  her  again.  Maybe  I can  see 
»you  later  yet.  {Passes  through  gate,  turns  L.  and  off.) 

Bud  {pauses  for  effect,  then  suddenly).  Well,  can  you 


.48 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


beat  it?  Vm  going  to  rehearse  a couple  of  swear  words  in 
just  a minute.  Yes,  I think  for  a starter  Fll  say  damn. 
Damn!  {Sighs  with  relief.)  There.  I feel  much  better. 

Enter  Clarice^  doivn  porch  steps.  Comes  on  just  in  time 
to  overhear  him  say  ''damnC  She,  starts  for  gate  zvith  dis- 
dainful toss  of  her  head. 

Bud  {discovering  her).  Clarice,  my  darling.  At  last  I — 

Clarice  {coldly).  Mr.  Barlow!  How  dare  you — {at- 
temps  to  pass). 

Bud  {places  a detaining  hand  on  her  arm).  Oh,  please — 
just  a moment — 

Clarice  {throws  off  his  hand).  Mr.  Barlow,' you  forget 
yourself!  {She  tosses  head  disdainfully,  then  haughtily 
sweeps  by  him,  passes  through  gate,  turning  R.  and  off. 
Bud  fairly  staggers  in  amazement  to  bench,  sinks  weakly 
on  it.) 

Bud.  Holy  griddle  cakes!  What  a jolt  for  the  merry 
chairman!  Gee,  I seem  to  be  as  popular  about  here  as  an 
Indian  with  the  smallpox.  {Pauses.)  I wonder  if  that 
display  of  peevishness  was  on  the  square?  {Groans.)  Oh, 
but  what  a jolly  mess  Tve  made  of  things. 

Enter  Dora  from  L.,  runs  through  gate  to  porch,  discozj- 
ers  Bud  and  stops  abruptly. 

Dora.  Oh,  hello ! I hope  I see  you  well. 

Bud  {wearily).  And  I hope  you  get  your  hope.  {As  if 
struck  with  a sudden  thought.)  Say,  wait  a moment,  Dora — 

Dora.  No  time,  Mr.  Barlow.  I came  to  borrow  a egg. 
See  you  after  a while.  Ta-ta!  {Runs  rapidly  into  house.) 

Bud.  Humph ! Even  she  won’t  stop  and  talk  to  me. 
{Rises  suddenly,  yanks  off  coat  and  rolls  up  sieves  in  a 
business-like  manner.)  Now,  I am  real  angry.  Em  going 
to  make  a bet  with,  myself  that  the  next  person  is  going  to 
talk  to  me  or  get  his  hair  mussed. 

Enter  Peck  from  L.  at  back  of  fence.  Goes  to  gate  and 
stands  staring  at  Bud,  a pathetic  figure. 

Peck  {mournfully).  I beg  your  pardon — 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


49 


Bud  {whirls  about,  facing  Peck).  Well,  I’ll  be — 

Peck.  I really  and  honestly  beg  your  pardon. 

Bud.  So  you’ve  butted  in  here  again,  have  you?  Now 
shall  I come  to  you  and  cave  in  your  jaw,  or  will  you  have 
the  kindness  to  come  to  me? 

Peck  {leaning  wearily  against  fence) . I have  ‘‘butted-in,” 
as  you  call  it,  once  more.  But  I am  afraid  I cannot  do  it 
many  more  times.  My  constitution  is  not  what  it  used  to 
be,  sir.^  Look  me  over.  {Turns  slowly  about  for  Bud^s 
inspection.)  However,  I do  not  complain.  I have  always 
been  faithful  to  any  trust  imposed  on  me,  and  I — however, 
I waste  my  time  with  you.  I desire  to  see  Mr.  Heinie. 

Bud.  Delighted,  I am  sure.  {Close  to  Peck.)  Mr. 
Heinie  just  went  in  that  direction.  {Points  L.)  The  very 
same  direction  that  you  are  going  in  now.  {Grabs  him  by 
coat  collar  and  seat  of  trousers  and  runs  him  off  L.  Comes 
back  to  bench  and  sits  down.)  There!  I feel  much  better 
now. 

Enter  Dora  from  house  with  egg  in  her  hand,  runs  down 
steps  to  gate,  pauses  at  gate. 

Dora.  Good-bye,  Bud  Barlow.  Maybe  I’ll  see  you  later 
and  maybe  I won’t.  {Runs  ojf  L.) 

Bud  {glances  about).  Well,  I’ve  come  in  more  or  less 
'contact  with  the  whole  darned  family  now — except  Toots. 
Wonder  where  Toots  is. 

Toots  enters  from  house.  Poses  on  porch.  Picture.  She 
^is  dressed  in  a burlesque  evening  gown  and  acts  in  grand 
manner.  Looks  at  Bud. 

' Toots  {aside).  '‘Ain’t  he  just  splen-did !”  {Assumed 
voice.)  I beg  your  pardon,  sir. 

Bud  {looking  at  her  in  surprise,  jumps  to  feet,  struggles 
into  his  coat.  Aside).  Gee  whiz!  Here’s  ojie  I haven’t 
^caught  yet.  {To  her.)  Certainly  you  may  beg  your  pardon. 
Allow  me  to  beg  yours  also — just  to  help  things  along. 

• Toots  {laughs,  then  speaks  in  her  natural  voice).  Dear 
me  suds!  You  never  knowed  me,  did  you? 

Bud  {surprised).  Toots  Snodgrass!  Well,  I’ll  be— 


50 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Toots  (interrupting).  Now,  now.  Remember  I am  a 
lady.  Say,  how  do  I stack  up,  anyhow?  (Whirls  about  for 
his  inspection.) 

Bud  (admiringly).  Immense!  If  you  hadn’t  tipped  me 
ofif,  rd  never  known  you. 

Toots  Tm  there,  ain’t  I? 

Bud  (laughs).  Forty  ways,  Toots.  (Suddenly.)  But 
say.  How  do  I find  you  talking  to  me? 

Toots  (surprised) . Hey? 

Bud.  You’re  the  first  person  singular  or  plural  that  has 
handed  me  a civil  word  for  some  time. 

Toots.  Oh,  I ain’t  so  particular  who  I talk  to. 

Bud  (laughs  good-naturedly) . Thanks.  Get  in.  You’re 
all  right.  (Shakes  her  hand  heartily.)  You’re  all  right. 
(Shakes  her  hand  again.) 

Toots.  Say,  what’s  the  idea?  (Puzzled.)  Want  to  bor- 
row money  or  something? 

Bud.  No.  I’m  in  trouble.  Toots.  Nobody  else  would 
give  me  a look-in  but  you.  Now  you’ve  got  to  help  me  out. 
Will  you  help  a poor  orphan? 

Toots  (heartily).  Bet  your  boots.  Bud  Barlow! 

Bud  (grabs  her  hand  and  shakes  it  vigorously) . Toots, 
you’re  all  right. 

Toots  (prying  hand  loose).  I know,  but  nix  on  that. 
(Feels  of  her  hand.)  I may  want  to  use  that  hand  again 
• some  day — you  never  can  tell.  Now  tell  mother  your 
troubles. 

Bud  (sighs  deeply).  Toots,  I’m  in  love. 

Toots.  Oh!  (Sighs.)  So  am  I. 

Bud.  But  I’ve  been  badly  used.  Toots.  (Sighs.) 

Toots  (sighs).  So  have  I.  My  lovin’  disposition  has  had 
several  kinks  put  in  it  since  last  I saw  you.  (Sighs.) 

Bud.  I love  Clarice.  (Sighs.) 

Toots.  And  Tommy’s  got  my  goat.  (Sighs.) 

Bud.  Too  bad.  (Sighs.) 

Toots.  It’s  worsern  that.  (Sighs.) 

Bud.  But  why  the  glad  rags.  Toots? 

Toots.  Oh,  these  do-dads,  you  mean?  Say,  Mr.  Barlow, 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


51 


I just  had  to  do  this.  Tommy  was  just  breakin’  my  fond 
(heart  with  his  desperate  flirtation. 

' Bud.  I’m  wise,  Toots.  Let  me  tell  you  all  about  it. 
Come  on.  We’ll  get  away  from  the  crowd  and  try  to 
1 straighten  things  out. 

■ Toots.  You’re  on. 

Bud  {grabs  her  hand  and  shakes  it).  Once  more,  Toots. 
You’re  all  right. 

Toots.  Ain’t  he  just  splen-did! 

They  exeunt  L.  2,  he  with  an  arm  about  her  waist.  Clar- 
ice enters  from  R.,  back  of  fence,  just  in  time  to  see  them 
exeunt.  She  stops  in  shocked  surprise. 

Clarice  {alone).  Well,  ’pon  my  soul!  If  Bud  Barlow 
isn’t  making  love  to  another  woman.  Now  I wonder  who 
that  can  be?  {Comes  down  and  sits  on  bench,  dejectedly.) 
Oh,  dear  me!  {Sighs.)  I’m  sure  I loved  him  with  all  my 
heart.  {Sobs.)  But  now — now  I hate  him.  Oh,  how  I hate 
him ! That  is.  I’m  quite  sure  I do. 

Clarice  may  introduce  song  here  at  option.  Herman 
enters  from  house.  Comes  to  bench. 

Herman.  Ah,  my  child.  Why  all  alone? 

Clarice  {confusedly) . I — oh,  nothing.  That  is,  I was 
just  thinking,  uncle  dear. 

Herman  {sits  beside  her,  wearily).  Ach,  this  has  been 
a queer  day.  Everybody  and  everything  is  queer.  I can’t 
find  my  doll  no  place  yet.  Maybe  I never  had  none— yes  ? 

Clarice.  Oh,  uncle!  It’s — it’s  all  my  fault.  {Sobs.)  I 
thought  I was  doing  it  all  for  the  best — for  your  sake. 

Herman  {puzzled).  Your  fault?  My  sake?  {Puts  a 
hand  to  head.)  I can’t  think  it  out  yet,  so  easy  like  I used 
to  once.  I think  I’m  what  Tommy  would  call  a mutt — yes? 

Clarice.  No,  no,  uncle.  Listen.  Bud — I mean  Mr.  Bar- 
low — and  I planned  it.  He  discovered  that  you — you  were 
losing  your — your  mind  over  this  automatic  doll  question. 
He  disguised  himself  as — as  Mephisto,  and  I— I was  the 
doll  that  came  to  life. 


u.  OF  ILL  UB. 


52 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Herman  {agitatedly  and  rising  to  feet  unsteadily).  I — 
I — go  on  yet.  What  next  will  you  tell  me? 

Clarice.  That’s  all,  uncle — that’s  all. 

Herman  (presses  both  hands  to  head  as  if  in  great  pain 
and  falls  heavily  back  onto  bench).  Mein  Gott!  She  says, 
‘'That’s  all !”  Ach,  Gott ! (Sobs  and  displays  intense  agita- 
tion at  the  shock  of  her  disclosure.  Opportunity  for  fine 
bit  of  acting.) 

Clarice  (alarmed,  throws  arms  about  him,  soothingly). 
There,  there,  dearie.  Don’t ! Don’t ! It  will  be  all  right. 

Herman  (rising  to  feet,  vehemently).  Ach,  you  don’t 
know  what  you  have  done — what  you  are  saying  yet.  It 
will  not  be  all  right.  Do  you  realize  what  it  means  to  me 
yet  that  you  have  trifled  and  fooled  with  my  lifelong  ambi- 
tion? You  have  shattered  and  broken  my  one  wonderful 
dream!  For  years  I have  slaved  and  worked,  believing  that 
some  day  I should  discover  the  spark  of  life,  inject  it  into 
my  Masterpiece,  and  then  you — you  in  your  silly,  brainless 
fashion  upset  all  my  plans.  (Pauses,  with  hands  pressed 
to  head,  fairly  sobs.)  Ach,  Gott ! My  head ! My  head ! (She 
attempts  to  break  in  and  console  him,  but  he  checks  her 
with  a gesture.)  Wait!  You  don’t  realize  yet  what  you’ve 
done.  Listen.  I got  to  face  everybody— -got  to  have  them 
stare  at  me  with  a laugh  on  their  face — and  listen  to  their 
sneering  words  while  they  call  me  an  old  crack-brained 
fool.  Got  to  face  my  wife — hear  her  call  me  a “good-for- 
nothing.”  You  understand  now  what  you  have  done  yet? 
(Laughs  in  hysterical  manner.)  Ha,  ha,  ha!  That  wife  of 
mine — Gott ! When  I think  yet  what  she  will  do  and  say — 
no,  no!  (Violently.)  No,  I shall  not  listen  to  her.  I shall 
not  listen,  I tell  you.  I shall  assert  myself.  I shall  no 
longer  be  a mere  cipher  in  my  own  house.  I shall  be  master ! 
Master!  Do  you  understand ? See!  (Rushes  to  porch,  picks 
up  flower  pot  and  dashes  it  to  ground,  then  the  others,  one 
after  the  other,  and  dashes  them  to  ground;  laughs  in  ma- 
niacal fashion.)  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Thus  do  I assert  my  new 
authority. 

Clarice.  Oh,  uncle,  uncle — please! 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


53 


Herman.  I’ll  show  her — show  you  all  I can  be  a man 
iyet.  I bought  a new  pair  of  trousers  yesterday,  and 
now,  by  golly,  I shall  wear  ’em  from  now  on.  {Presses 
f hands  to  head,  then  suddenly  he  drops  them,  looks  at  her, 
[all  about  and  smiles  gently.)  I — I — it’s  gone.  The  pain, 
Hht  jumble — my  head  is  clear  again  yet.  I — I — {laughs 
gently.)  I been  an  old  fool  yet,  ain’t  I ? But  it’s  all  over  now. 
, I see  things  clear.  I see  that  my  spark  of  life  dream  couldn’t 
be.  Now  I am  awake — awake  at  last.  {Puts  out  his  arms 
i to  her.) 

Clarice  {uhth  a glad  cry  springs  to  the  shelter  of  his 
arms).  And  you — you  are  not  angry? 

Herman.  No,  child.  I am  glad.  Glad  you  have  brought 
me  to  my  senses.  {Sighs.)  But  all  the  time  I think  I am 
a great  inventor  yet. 

Clarice.  And  so  you  are,  uncle.  No  man  ever  made 
such  wonderful  dolls  as  you  do.  {Pats  his  cheek  lovingly 
and  kisses  him.) 

Herman  {sighs).  And  so — it’s  all  over  now  yet.  But 
you  done  everything  for  the  best.  I had  a big  screw  loose 
in  my  head.  And  you — you  J:ook  it  out — you  and  Bud. 
But  go.  Go  into  the  house,  child.  I got  to  be  alone  and 
think  this  out  yet. 

Clarice  (kisses  him,  goes  to  steps).  Good-night,  uncle 
dear. 

Herman.  Wait.  I don’t  see  Bud  about.  He  was  here, 
but — has  he  gone? 

Clarice.  I don’t  know,  and  I don’t  care.  {Runs  quickly 
up  steps  and  into  house,  sobbing  as  she  goes.) 

Herman.  So!  She  is  crying  yet.  Perhaps  it’s  a lover’s 
quarrel.  Ach,  they  all  do  that.  Bud  is  a fine  fellow.  They 
must  be  got  together  again  yet.  {Sits  on  bench  and  gazes 
sorrowfully  all  about.  Musingly.)  Humph!  No  doll  en- 
dowed with  the  spark  of  life.  No  Devil — no  nothing. 
{Pause,  then  quickly.)  By  golly,  if  those  things  wasn’t, 
maybe  I ain’t  got  no  wife  yet. 

Mrs.  Heinie  enters  from  back  R.,  passes  through  gate, 


54 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


casting  searching  glances  all  about.  Discovers  Herman  on 
bench.  Comes  down  C, 

Mrs.  Heinie  {sharply).  Oh,  so  there  you  are,  are  you? 

Herman  {quick  comedy  start  of  surprise,  aside).  Ach, 
I got  a wife  yet. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Have  you  seen  His  Highness  about? 

Herman  {innocently) . About  what? 

Mrs.  Heinie.  About  here  or  the  house,  you  stupid. 

Herman  {slowly  and  impressively) . No,  my  dear.  There 
never  was  no  His  Highness. 

Mrs.  Heinie.  Why,  what  do  you  mean?  Has  this  busi- 
ness completely  turned  your  head  ? 

Herman.  Yes,  it  has,  thank  God:  {Rises,)  Now,  listen 
to  me,  please.  From  now  on  you  take  orders  from  me.  You 
get  them  silly  notions  out  of  your  head  that  you  are  boss. 
Look  at  me,  madam.  Look  close  at  the  real  boss  of  this 
establishment.  {Assumes  a commanding  attitude,) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {astounded).  Why,  Herman  Heinie,  Til 
show — 

Herman  {raising  a hand).  Stop!  YouVe  shown  me  too 
long.  Your  place  is  in  the  kitchen — that’s  where  you  belong. 
Go! 

Mrs.  Heinie  {stares  ai  him  an  instant).  Well,  for  good- 
ness sake ! I can’t  understand  these  goings  on  at  all.  I say, 
I can’t  understand — 

Herman  {interrupting^  gently).  There,  there.  You  go 
in  and  Clarice  will  tell  you  all  about  everything.  Go.  {She 
is  too  astounded  for  speech  and  stares  in  blank  amazement 
at  him  as  she  goes  to  steps,  up  them  and  into  house.  Her- 
man sits  on  bench,  takes  out  pipe  and  lights  it.  Meditative 
pause,  Herman,  chuckingly).  By  golly,  this  is  a funny 
wdrld.  The  things  that  are,  ain’t ; and  the  things  that  ain’t, 
are.  Enter  Tommy  from  house,  bustling  manner. 

Tommy.  Hello,  pop.  Seen  my  wife  anywhere? 

Herman.  No,  but  I just  saw  mine.  {Chuckles,) 

Tommy.  Well,  I want  her,  I do. 

Herman.  Tommy  boy,  there  ain’t  a-going  to  be  no  wife 
for  you. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


55 


• Tommy.  What?  Ain’t  I a-goin’  to  marry  that  purty  gal 
‘ you  made  for  me? 

Herman.  No,  Tommy  boy.  Everything  is  changed  now 
I yet.  I shall  have  to  make  other  plans  for  your  future. 

Tommy.  I don’t  want  any  plans.  I want  a wife. 

• Herman  {chuckles) . You  ain’t  such  a fool  yet  as 
I thought.  (Rises,  pats  Tommy  on  head.)  Come  into  the 
house,  Tommy,  and  I’ll  tell  you  how  you  lost  your  wife. 

“ (They  go  to  steps.)  I only  wish  somebody  would  tell  me 
how  I could  lose  mine.  (Herman  exits  in  house.) 

Enter  Bud  and  Toots,  L.  2. 

Bud  (to  Tommy).  Hey,  Tommy,  come  here  and  meet  a 
lady. 

Tommy.  I don’t  want  a lady.  I want  a wife. 

Toots.  Dear  me  suds,  Tommy!  Don’t  you  know  me? 

Tommy  (surprised) . Gee  gosh,  if  it  ain’t  Toots. 

Bud.  Yes,  Tommy,  it’s  Toots.  Toots  all  dressed  up. 
' You  nearly  broke  Toots’  heart.  Tommy,  with  your  flirting. 
But  she’s  going  to  forgive  you,  and  you’re  going  to  take 
Toots  back  to  your  heart  again.  And  there — get  together. 
(Forces  them  into  an  embrace.) 

Toots  (pulling  away  after  short  embrace).  Don’t  muss 
my  clothes.  Fine  clothes  like  these  don’t  come  up  and  shake 
you  by  the  hand  every  day. 

Tommy  (admiringly).  Gee  gosh,  but  ain’t  she  purty! 
(Scans  his  own  apparel.)  Say,  fine  clothes  do  make  a lot 
of  difference,  don’t  they  ? Maybe  if  I was  kinder  dolled  up — 
say,  look  here.  You  ain’t  goin’  to  slip  anything  over  on  me, 
Toots  Snodgrass.  (Turns  and  dashes  up  the  steps,  stops  on 
porch,  turns.)  I’m  goin’  to  show  you  that  I can  be  a sport, 
too.  Just  stick  around  a bit  and  keep  your  eye  on  Tommy 
Tucker. 

Bud.  Wait  a minute.  Tommy.  Is  everything  all  right — 
here?  (Indicates  Toots.) 

Tommy.  Bet  yer  boots!  (Dashes  into  house.) 

Toots  (feelingly,  to  Bud).  Say,  you’re  all  right.  Bud 
Barlow.  Get  in.  (Grabs  his  hand  and  shakes  it  vigorously.) 
Now  I’m  goin’  in  the  house  and  send  somebody  out  here 


56 


Tim  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


to  see  you.  (Goes  to  steps,  turns.)  And  it  won't  be  Mrs. 
Heinie,  either.  (Exit  into  house.) 

Bud  (alone).  Well,  I’ll  do  my  best — I’ll  do  better  than 
my  best.  She’s  just  got  to  come  across — that’s  all. 

Enter  Clarice  from  house.  Stops  on  porch,  looks  down 
as  if  searching  for  some  article. 

Clarice.  Strange  where  it  could  have  gone  to — 

Bud  (interrupting).  Did  you — did  you  lose  something? 
(Aside.)  Everybody  around  here  appears  to  have  lost 
something. 

Clarice.  Yes — my  handkerchief . Oh,  I forgot.  I’m  nor 
to  speak  to  you.  (Turns  to  re-enter  house.) 

Bud.  Oh,  is  that  so?  (Sternly.)  Well,  you  will  talk  to 
me.  Come  right  down  here,  young  woman. 

Clarice  (comes  slowly  dozvn  steps).  I — I shall  do  noth- 
ing of  the  kind,  Mr.  Barlow.  (At  foot  of  steps.) 

Bud  (at  bench).  Now  come  right  over  here. 

Clarice  (comes  to  bench).  I shall  not  do  that  either, 
Mr.  Barlow. 

Bud.  Sit  down. 

Clarice.  I’ll  not  sit  down.  (Sits.) 

Bud  (sits  beside  her).  Why,  I never  saw  such  a contrary 
young  woman  in  all  my  life.  You  won’t  do  a solitary  thing 
I ask  you  to. 

Clarice.  I don’t  see  why  I should  after  the  way  you’ve 
treated  me,  Mr.  Barlow. 

Bud  (coaxingly).  Say,  put  the  soft  pedal  on  that  Mister 
thing,  won’t  you  ? 

Clarice.  No,  that’s  something  else  I decline  to  do, 
Mister  Barlow. 

Bud  (commandingly) . Young  woman,  call  me  Bud! 

Clarice.  I positively  refuse  to  call  you — Bud. 

Bud  (laiighs).  Oh,  what  a cinch! 

Clarice  (indignantly).  Sir!  (Springs  to  feet.) 

Bud  (pulls  her  down  beside  him  again).  Now.  nix! 
You’ve  been  a real  nice  little  girl.  Don’t  spoil  it. 

Clarice'.  Bud  Barlow,  I won’t  be  talked  to  like  this.  If 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


57 


•you  have  anything  important  to  say,  I’ll  listen.  Otherv^ise, 
I’ll  go. 

Bud.  Hold  on.  I’ve  got  a mixture  of  both  to  get  rid  of. 
{Looks  about.)  Let’s  get  in  the  hammock — what? 

Clarice  {coldly).  I much  prefer  the  bench. 

Bud  {rises  and  crosses  to  hammock).  Young  woman, 
come  here — and  in  a hurry! 

Clarice  {rises  and  crosses  meekly  to  him).  That  is  still 
another  command  I refuse  to  obey. 

Bud  {commandingly) . Sit  in  the  hammock,  young 
woman ! 

Clarice  {sits  in  hammock,  meekly).  I utterly  refuse. 

Bud  {sits  beside  her).  Ah,  this  is  better.  Now  I can  say 
something  of  importance.  Give  me  a kiss. 

Clarice  {trying  to  evade  him).  Bud  Barlow,  you’re  the 
most  impudent  fellow  I ever  met. 

Bud.  Think  so.  {Kisses  her.)  Say,  the  chap  that  in- 
vented the  hammock  thing.  I’ll  bet  had  a girl  just  like  you. 
{Puts  arm  about  her.)  No.  I’ll  take  that  back  now.  She 
couldn’t  have  been  just  as  nice  as  you.  Anyhow,  be  it  ever 
so  humble,  there’s  no  place  like  a hammock — with  a girl 
in  it. 

Clarice  {laughing  in  spite  of  herself).  For  goodness 
sake,  please  be  sensible. 

Bud  {seriously).  All  right,  girlie,  I will.  Now  I am 
going  to  marry  you,  and  you  are  going  to  marry  me. 

Clarice.  What!  .After  the  way  you  made  love  to  Mrs. 
Heine?  And  that — that  other  woman  I saw  you  with.  No, 
no ; let  me  go.  I had  forgotten — 

Bud.  Oh.  now  behave.  I made  love  to  your  aunt  as  a 
joke,  and  to  teach  her  a lesson.  That  other  woman  was — 
Toots. 

Clarice  {sighs  happily).  Oh! 

Bud.  Now,  after  you  say,  ‘'Bud,  I love  you  and  will  be 
your  wife,”  I’ll  go  in  the  house,  tell  your  uncle  everything 
and  ask  him  for  you. 

Clarice.  That  isn’t  necessary.  He  knows  all  about  our 
plotting,  and — oh,  Bud,  he’s  ever  so  much  better  now. 


58 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Bud.  And  so  am  I — now.  (Kisses  her,)  But  on  the 
level,  Tm  glad  everything  is  all  fixed  up.  And  so — so  you’re 
going  to  be  Mrs.  Barlow,  are  you? 

Clarice.  Please  do  be  sensible.  Bud.  Why,  what  can 
we  marry  on? 

Bud  (carelessly) . Oh,  on  a Wednesday,  a Thursday  or  a 
Friday — any  old  day;  I don’t  care. 

Clarice.  Oh,  you  know  what  I mean.  I haven’t  a cent 
in  the  world. 

Bud.  Fine!  Neither  have  I. 

Clarice.  That’s  why — why  I hesitate.  What’s  going  to 
support  us? 

Bud.  Say,  I’ll  go  to  work.  I don’t  care  what  happens 
to  me.  In  the  meantime,  little  girl,  you  run  in  the  house  and 
tell  your  uncle  to  come  out.  You  see  I want  to  close  this 
deal — quick. 

Clarice  (rising,  pouting).  That  sounds  as  though  you 
were  dickering  for  a gold  mine. 

Bud  (kisses  her).  I am. 

Clarice  (crossing  to  steps,  turns).  There’s  money  in  a 
gold  mine.  I’m  ''broke.”  (Laughs  and  exits  into  house.) 

Bud  (alone,  rising  from  hammock).  Bless  her  heart! 
I’d  work  my  head  and  hands  off  for  her.  And  I’m  glad  she 
is  "broke,”  too.  No  one  can  say  I am  marrying  for  money. 
Gee  whiz!  But  I’m  the  happiest  chap  in  Happy  Hollow. 

Enter  Peck  from  back,  R.  Comes  to  gate. 

Peck.  I really  beg  your  pardon,  sir — 

Bud  (confronting  him).  What?  Again? 

Peck  (comes  down  C.).  Really,  you  know — don’t  agitate 
yourself,  I pray.  . . . And  please  don’t  kick  me  any  more. 
This  thing  of  being  faithful  to  a trust  is  possibly  a grand 
and  glorious  thing ; but  it’s  dreadfully  trying  on  one’s  consti- 
tution. Unless  I obtain  a hearing  very  soon,  they  will  have 
to  put  another  man  on  the  job.  (Pathetically.)  Look  at 
me,  sir.  (Turns  about  for  Bud’s  inspection.)  But  I am 
wasting  my  time.  I surely  must  see  Mr,  Heinie.  (Turns 
toward  steps.) 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


59 


I Bud  {grabs  him).  Say,  hold  on.  What  the — what  the 
deuce  to  you  want  around  here,  anyhow? 

Peck  {dismally).  I don't  want  much,  sir;  but  I seem  to 
have  collected  quite  a lot.  Would  you  mind  looking  me  over 
; again,  sir?  {Turns  around.)  No?  Well  it  doesn't  matter. 
The  object  of  my  visit  here  today,  sir — would  you  mind 
listening  ? 

Bud.  No.  Go  ahead.  Pm  the  happiest  chap  in  Happy 
Hollow. 

Peck  {produces  legal-looking  paper  from  an  inside 
pocket).  This  is  the  thing.  'Tis  merely  a detail,  sir — merely 
a detail.  If  you  please,  sir,  this  document  relates  in  fully 
described  terms  the  title  to  an  estate  valued  at  $50,000  to 
one  Clarice  Higgins,  whose  aunt,  Mrs.  Martha  Higgins  by 
name,  died  very  suddenly  in  Boston  a few  days  ago. 

Bud  {bewildered,  looks  from  document  to  Peck  and  back 
again).  What!  What  did  you  say?  No,  no;  you  didn't  say 
it.  I am  dreaming.  It  can't  be  true.  You  must  be  kidding. 

Peck.  No,  sir;  here's  the  paper.  You  may  see  for  your- 
self. 

Bud  {looking  blankly  at  paper).  Oh,  Lord,  it  must  be 
true!  {Hangs  head  dejectedly.)  It  must  be  true. 

Peck.  What's  the  matter,  sir.  You  appear  downcast. 
Why  are  you  not  pleased  at  her  good  fortune? 

Bud.  Good  fortune?  Say,  that  girl  just  promised  to 
marry  me,  and  now — now  you,  the  kill-joy,  butt  in  and  spoil 
it  all.  Confound  you,  anyhow!  {Threatens  Peck.) 

Peck  {backing  azvay  in  alarm).  Why — why  it’s — it's  not 
my  fault.  But,  really,  I can't  understand,  sir.  You  should 
be  delighted  at  her  good  fortune,  and  your  own,  seeing  that 
she  is  to  marry  you,  sir. 

Bud.  Drive  along  with  that  chatter.  Everybody  will  say 
that  I married  her  simply  for  her  money,  and — oh,  hang  it 
all,  why  didn't  her  Aunt  Martha  have  sense  enough  to  post- 
pone her  death  for  a year  or  so? 

Peck.  Well,  sir,  that  is  just  the  way  with  some  women. 
They  never  do  seem  to  do  the  proper  thing  at  the  proper 


60 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


time.  But  time  presses.  If  you  will  permit  me,  I shall 
enter  the  house,  transact  my  business,  and  be  on  m}^ — 

Bud  {interrupting,  eagerly).  I say,  old  chap,  you  couldn’t 
fall  down  and  break  your  neck,  could  you? 

Peck.  Hey? 

Bud.  Break  anything  or  something,  just  so  she  doesn’t 
get  thatr  beastly  money. 

Peck  {thoughtfully).  I’m — I’m  afraid  not,  sir.  I have 
always  been  faithful  to  any  trust  reposed  in  me,  and — but 
I almost  forgot  something. 

Bud.  Oh,  Lord ! What  now  ? 

Peck.  During  my  brief  but  stormy  visit  here  today,  I 
have — have  fallen  in  love. 

Bud  {surprised) . Fallen  in  love?  Say.  you  look  like 
you’d  fall  off  a ten-story  building  twice. 

Peck  {scanning  his  apparel).  Yes,  I’ll  admit  my  appear- 
ance is  not  at  all  lover-like ; but  that  is  no  fault  of  mine,  I 
assure  you,  sir.  Pardon  me  just  a moment,  sir.  {Goes  to 
gate  and  beckons  off  R.)  Come  here,  please. 

Enter  Dora  from  R.  Comes  to  C. 

Bud.  Well,  I declare. 

Peck.  Yes,  sir;  quite  so.  {Puts  an  arm  about  Dora.) 

Dora.  How  do  you  do.  Bud  Barlow? 

Bud.  Me?  Oh,  I’m  getting  along  fine.  As  for  you,  do 
you  take  this  man  to  be  your  lawful  husband  ? 

Dora.  I suppose  so.  He  seems  to  be  a real  nice  man. 

Bud.  What’s  his  name? 

Dora.  Hey?  {Surprised.) 

Bud.  What’s  your  future  husband’s  name? 

Dora.  My  gracious,  I don’t  know.  I didn’t  even  stop 
to  ask.  (Bud  displays  comedy  consternation.) 

Peck.  Permit  me  to  introduce  myself  to  you  both.  My 
name  is  Peck — Henry  Peck. 

Bud.  Fair  enough.  (Dora  acknowledges  introduction 
with  a low  bow.) 

Peck.  But  you  are  a gentleman  of  keen  judgment  and 
appear  to  be  well  posted  in  the  art  of  love  and  marriage. 
Perhaps  you  might  advise  us. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


61 


Bud.  Lord,  man,  you’re  calling  up  the  wrong  number. 
I’m  looking  for  advice  myself. 

Peck.  So?  I wouldn’t  think  it,  to  look  at  you,  sir.  How- 
ever, that’s  beside  the  point.  My  personal — that  is,  my 
love  afifair — must  wait.  The  one  thing  now  is  to  see  Mr. 
Heinie.  Come,  sweetheart.  {To  Bud.)  We  will  see  you 
later,  sir. 

Dora.  Ta-ta,  Bud  Barlow.  Cheer  up ; it  may  not  be 
true.  (Dora  and  Peck  exeunt  into  house.) 

Bud  {laughing).  Gee  whiz!  This  is  certainly  one  day 
to  be  long  remembered.  {Soberly.)  And  I — I’m  up  a tree. 
That  $50,000  is  something  to  think  about.  I’ll  go  take  a 
walk  and  think  it  over.  {He  exits  through  gate,  turns  L., 
with  head  bowed  and  hands  thrust  deep  in  coat  pockets.) 

Enter  Tommy  from  house.  He  is  dressed  in  comedy 
dress-up  clothes.  Wears  white  gloves,  white  flower  in  but- 
ton-hole, and  jauntily  savings  a cane.  Comes  down  steps  in 
comedy  manner,  looking  all  about. 

Tommy.  Gee  gosh,  I done  it!  I guess  I ain’t  some  sport 
now,  eh?  Say,  when  Toots  sees  me  she’ll  look  around  for  a 
soft  spot  to  throw  a fit  in.  Wonder  where  she  is. 
{Whistles.)  Enter  Toots  from  house. 

Toots  {throws  up  both  hands  in  surprise).  Well,  dear 
me  suds! 

Tommy.  Didn’t  think  it  was  in  me,  did  you?  {Struts 
proudly  about.) 

Toots.  Say,  if  I wasn’t  so  chockful  of  excitement,  I’d 
tell  you  what  a nice  looking  boy  you  are,  but — guess  what? 

Tommy.  Can’t.  Too  much  dressed  up. 

Toots.  A lawyer  chap  from  Boston  just  come  in  and 
handed  Miss  Clarice  a million  dollars,  all  in  five-cent  nickels 
and  ten-cent  dimes. 

Tommy.  Huh!  Quit  tellin’  stories. 

Toots.  It’s  the  terrible  truth,  Tommy.  It’s  the  same 
man  that  Mr.  Heinie  thought  was  a robber,  and  he’s  a 
lawyer. 

Tommy.  Well,  what’s  the  difference? 


62 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Toots.  None  a-tall ! 

Tommy.  Say,  Toots,  maybe  Clarice  will  give  me  ten  or 
twenty  cents  toward  olir  wedding.  How  much  is  a million 
dollars,  anyhow? 

Toots.  Don’t  ask  me.  1 can’t  count  over  twelve  dollars 
to  save  my  life. 

Tommy  {puts  arm  about  her).  Well,  we  don’t  care,  do 
we? 

Toots.  ’Bout  what? 

Tommy.  ’ Bout  nothin’.  Nothin’  but  love,  I mean.  Every- 
thing’s been  kinder  excited  like  today.  Bud  Barlow  and 
Clarice  fooled  pop,  and  maw  made  love  to  the  Devil,  and — 

Toots.  You  made  love  to  Miss  Clarice. 

Tommy.  Never  did. 

Toots.  I seen  you — so  there. 

Tommy.  Never  did. 

Toots.  You  did;  you  know  you  did. 

Tommy.  Never,  never  did — cross  my  heart. 

Toots.  I seen  you  kiss  her. 

Tommy.  Well,  I felt  sorry  for  her.  She  said  she  never 
had  one. 

Toots.  That  ain’t  no  excuse.  I hate  you. 

Enter  Bud  from  L.  2. 

Bud.  There,  there,  children ; don’t  quarrel. 

Toots.  It’s  Tommy.  He’s  always  fightin’,  and— 

Bud.  How's  everything  inside,  Toots? 

Toots.  Say,  did  you  hear  that  Miss  Clarice  had  a million 
dollars  given  to  her? 

Bud  {soberly).  Yes,  I heard  that.  {Brightly.)  But  out- 
side of  that  everything’s  all  right,  isn’t  it  ? 

Tommy.  Gee  gosh!  He  looks  like  she  was  dead  and 
buried  instead  of  havin’  a lot  of  money  wished  on  her. 

Toots.  Yes,  a person  would  think  you’d  lost  your  best 
friend. 

Bud  {soberly).  Maybe  I have.  Toots;  maybe  I have. 
But  you  and  Tommy  better  take  a little  walk. 

Tommy.  That  suits  me.  Let’s  walk  around,  Toots,  and 
give  the  neighbors  a treat. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


63 


Toots.  All  right.  Let’s. 

Tommy.  I know  a whole  lot  of  mushy  talk,  too. 

^ Toots  {puts  out  her  hand  to  Bud).  Say,  get  in  again, 

will  you?  ,1  1 

‘ Bud  (shaking  her  hand).  Sure,  Toots,  all  the  time. 

Toots.  You’re  all  right.  Bud  Barlow.  You  re  nfty-nfty 
with  me  any  time  I got  that  much.  (She  takes  Tommy  s 
arm  and  they  parade  grandly  to  gate.  At  gate  she  turns  to 
Bud.)  Fifty-fifty  with  me  any  time  I got  that  much. 

^ night.  (Tommy  and  Toots  exeunt  gate,  turning  L.  and  off.) 
Enter  Herm.^n  from  house.  Lights  gradually  lower. 
Herman  (to  Bud,  putting  out  hand).  Bud,  my  boy,  I 
■ want  to  say  that  I owe  you  more  than  I can  ever  repay  yet. 

Bud  (shaking  his  hand  heartily).  Oh,  that  s all  right, 
Mr.  Heinie.  It  might  have  appeared  like  heroic  treatment 
^ to  you,  but  I’m  tickled  to  death  everything  came  out  all 
right  (Sighs.)  Everything  except — (brightly)  weW,  it  was 
a fine  day,  wasn’t  it?  (Shaking  Herman’s  hand  again.) 

Herman.  Ach,  yes.  To  me  it  was  the  saddest  and  the 
happiest — if  such  a thing  could  be  yet.  Tonight  I anr  so 
happy.  Everybody  has  been  so  kind  and  good  to  me.  Jiist 
like  I was  a boy,  just  getting  over  some  sickness,  and  the 
neighbors  all  bring  in  nice  things  to  eat— and  then  he  gets 
the  stomachache  yet  besides. 

(laughs) . I think  I know  what  you  mean.  You  are 
happy  and  still  you  imagine  that  something  will  occur  to 

^^hLman.  That’s  it.  Buddy  boy.  I might  eat  too  much 
of  the  neighbor’s  cookies  and  get  the  stomachache. 

Bud.  Forget  that  part  of  it.  Everything’s  got  O.  K. 

I branded  on  it  in  big  letters.  , , ^ tt 

Mrs.  Heinie  {inside  house,  very  tenderly).  Herman, 

' dear— oh,  Herman.  Come  in,  won’t  you  ? I want  you. 

Herman  (smiles  proudly).  You  see  you  notice  the 

voice?  j . 

Bud.  Yes — some  different,  isn’t  it  ? ^ 

Herman.  Different?  Everything  is.  (Grabs  Byv  s hand 
j and  shakes  it  heartily.)  Bud,  my  boy,  you  re  all  right.  My 


64 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


wife  says  you  are,  and  she  knows.  I say  so  because  I know. 
Come  in  the  house  any  time  you  wish — any  time.  {Bows 
and  starts  to  enter  house.)  You  know,  Bud,  Tin  the  boss 
around  here  now. 

Bud  {laughs).  Thanks,  Mr.  Heinie — Til  remember  that. 
But — but  would  you  mind  sending  Clarice  out.  I want  to 
say — to  bid  her  good-night. 

Herman.  Sure,  Buddie,  my  boy.  Sure.  {Exit  into 
house.) 

Bud  {sighs  heavily).  Well,  IVe  seemed  to  have  fixed 
everything  with  everybody — except  myself.  Maybe  Tm  a 
darn  fool.  But,  hang  it  all,  I can't  marry  her  money.  I 
simply  can't  do  that. 

Enter  Clarice  from  house.  Lights  a little  lower. 

* 

Clarice.  Why,  Bud — come  in. 

Bud.  No — you  come  out. 

Clarice  {comes  down  steps).  What's  the  matter? 

Bud.  Say,  I want  to  get  my  release  from  the  team.  I 
can’t  play  Big  League  ball  if  I sign  up  with  you. 

Clarice.  You — you  mean  you  wish  to  break  our  engage- 
ment ? 

Bud  {turns  away,  soberly).  Yes — that's  it. 

Clarice.  But — but  why  ? What  have  I done  ? 

Bud  {turns  quickly  back  to  her).  Can't  you  understand? 
It's  that  confounded  money.  It's  not  you. 

Clarice.  Oh ! 

Bud.  You  know.  I can't  have  everyone  panning  me  to  a 
crisp,  and  calling  me  a fortune  hunter,  and — well,  it  can't 
be  done — that's  all. 

Clarice  {eagerly).  But  you  can  prove  an  alibi.  Bud. 
Remember,  you  asked  me  a long  time  before  the  money 
came. 

Bud.  Yes,  but  I can't  go  about  with  an  alibi  like  that 
hanging  to  me.  No,  the  alibi  thing  won’t  do.  You've  got 
to  come  stronger  than  that,  you  know. 

Clarice.  Very  well,  Mr.  Barlow.  There  happens  to  be 
a string  tied  to  that  legacy. 

Bud  {joyfully) . What!  Come  on.  Pull  the  string. 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


65 


Clarice.  There  was  a clause  in  my  Aunt  Martha’s  will 
to  the  efifect  that  should  I marry  anybody  but  one  Harvey 
Howard,  her  adopted  son,  the  $50,000  was  to  go  to  a home 
for  broken  down  cats. 

Bud  {jumping  about,  joyfully).  Hurrah!  And  you — 
you — 

Clarice.  Well,  IVe  always  had  a tender  spot  in  my 
heart  for  cats — especially  the  broken  down  ones. 

Bud.  Dear  girl!  And  do  you  think  I’m  worth  $50,000? 

Clarice.  Yes,  every  penny  of  it — and  then  a few  besides. 

Bud  {throws  both  arms  about  her).  Gee  whiz!  I’m 
groggy  with  joy.  Hold  on  to  me  tight.  {They  embrace.) 

Mrs.  Heinie  {in  the  house,  tenderly).  Herman,  dear. 
I’ve  laid  out  your  clean  linen  on  the  spare  room  bed  so  it’ll 
be  handy  for  you  in  the  morning.  Remember,  you  promised 
to  go  to  church  with  me. 

Herman  {in  house).  Yes,  my  darling;  and  thank  you 
yet  besides. 

Bud  {laughs  happily).  Gee,  that  sounds  good.  It  makes 
us  really  believe  that  we  have  done  something  in  this  world 
after  all.  But — come  on,  sweetheart.  Suppose  we  keep 
the  dew  off  the  hammock  for  a while. 

Clarice  {happy  laugh).  Oh,  Bud! 

Lights  quite  dim,  gradually  dying  out  to  a dark  stage. 
Bud  and  Clarice  assume  a loving-like  attitude  in  the  ham- 
mock. Toots  and  Tommy  e^iter,  sit  on  bench  and  strike  a 
comedy  love-making  pose.  Dora  and  Peck  enter  and  stand 
against  fence,  a loznng  picture. 

Herman  (in  house).  Tommy,  Toots,  Clarice,  Bud! 
Where  is  everybody  yet  ? 

Herman  enters  from  house.  He  carries  a lamp  or  elec- 
tric torch  with  strong  reflector.  Goes  to  fence,  throws  light 
on  Peck  and  Dora. 

Herman  {starts  back  with  apology).  Beg  pardon.  I 
didn’t  know  you  was  here  yet.  {Goes  to  hammock,  throzcs 
light  on  Bud  and  Clarice,  recoils  with  apology.)  Ach,  like- 
wise, I beg  your  pardon.  {Goes  to  bench,  throzvs  light  on 


66 


THE  SPARK  OF  LIFE 


Tommy  and  Toots.)  By  golly,  the  woods  is  full  of  'em. 
{He  goes  to  the  foot  of  steps.)  All  my  life  I have  been 
seeking  for  the  spark  of  life ; and  now  at  last,  when  I have 
given  up  the  idea,  I find  it.  It’s  love — that’s  what  it  is — 
Love!  Love,  the  spark  of  life.  But  it  ain’t  for  an  old  man 
like  me  to  discover.  It’s  for  the  young  folks. 

Mrs.  Heinie  {coming  out  on  porch).  Come,  dear,  it  is 
growing  late. 

Herman.  Good-night,  my  children — and  may  God  bless 
you  all  yet. 

Toots.  Ain’t  he  just  splen-did! 

Curtain. 


A Cabin  Courtship 

By  IRENE  JEAN  CRANDALL 

Price,  35  Cents 

Comedy  in  3 acts;  5 males,  4 females.  Time,  2 hours.  Scene: 
1 interior.  The  action  takes  place  in  a remote  cabin  in  the  moun- 
tains ot  Tennessee.  A daring  plan  it  was  for  George  to  arrange  a 
house-party  at  which  Carol,  his  impressionable  fiancee,  would  be 
left  in  two  weeks’  companionship  with  the  man  with  whom  she 
was  infatuated.  But  George  knew  what  he  was  doing  when  he 
left  them  with  the  others  in  the  mountain  wilderness  “where  you 
have  to  match  your  wits  against  the  forces  of  nature  and  there’s 
no  help  from  servants  or  hired  guides.’’  George  knew  that  the  life 
up  there  brought  out  real  values,  for  he  had  been  born  and  raised 
in  the  mountains.  And  Carol  learned,  almost  too  late,  the  differ- 
ence between  the  staying  qualities  of  the  hollow  reed  and  of  the 
sturdy  pine.  The  cast  is  well  balanced.  The  characters  are  real. 
The  story  is  dramatic.  The  humor  is  natural.  The  play  presents 
an  unusual  story  in  an  unusual  setting,  unusually  well  done. 

A FEW  LINES  FROM  THE  PLAY; 

“This  is  one  place  where  automobiles  can’t  go.’’  “Living  near 
to  nature’s  heart  is  beautiful,  but  it  has  its  drawbacks.’’  “Living 
under  the  same  roof  is  like  laying  the  cards  on  the  table.’’  “This 
is  the  land  of  Do-Without.’’  “I  seed  farmers  an’  storekeepers  an’ 
blacksmiths,  but  I ain’t  never  seed  a poet  afore.’’  “I  am  leaving 
you  with  the  things  you  want — poetry  and  congenial  companion- 
ship.’’ “You  have  no  more  sentiment  than  that  mountaineer  who 
calls  his  wife  ‘the  old  woman.’  ’’  “There  are  some  things  that  a 
man  can  get  by  fighting  for,  and  there  are  others  that  aren’t  won 
that  way.’’  “How  can  you  be  writing  poetry  when  we  are  cold 
and  damp  and  uncomfortable?’’  “Come,  my  flower  of  the  wood- 
land; let  us  forget  these  trivial  things.’’  “We  ought  to  have  serv- 
ants to  do  this  work.’’  “Even  the  mountain  air  doesn’t  give  the 
men  an  appetite  for  our  cooking.’’  “Your  poet  hasn’t  done  a stroke 
of  work  since  we  came  here.’’  “If  Mr.  Ware  were  here  we  wouldn’t 
need  to  worry.’’  “A  mountaineer  never  forgets  a wrong.  I reckon 
Bill  Jakin  will  go  squirrel-hunting.’’  “Tuk  yer  hand  off,  or  by  the 
Lord  Almighty  I’ll  shoot  it  off!’’  “You  will  not  go  out  into  the 
world  with  me?’’  “No,  I know  you  too  well  now.’’  “Little  girl, 
I’ve  been  waiting  for  you  to  come  home.’’  “After  all,  the  romance 
I went  a-seeking  was  right  here.’’ 


Tea  and  Politics 

By  IRENE  JEAN  CRANDALL 

Price,  25  Cents 

A comedy;  2 males,  7 females.  Time,  40  minutes.  Scene:  An 

interior.  Shows  the  old  game  of  politics  played  in  a new  way — 
woman’s  way.  Politicians  formerly  settled  their  questions  over 
a glass  of  beer,  but  now  women  play  their  part  over  the  teacups. 
Demonstrates  that  even  the  vote  will  never  make  a woman  use 
her  weapons  in  a man’s  way  and  that  tea  and  politics  will  mix 
when  stirred  by  a clever  woman’s  hand.  Very  bright,  original  and 
up-to-date. 


T.  S.  DENISON  & COMPANY,  Publishers 

623  S.  Wabash  Ave.,  CHICAGO 


My  Irish  Rose 

By  WALTER  BEN  HARE 

Price,  35  Cents 

Comedy-drama,  in  3 acts;  6 males,  6 females.  Time,  2Y2  hours. 
Scenes:  1 exterior,  1 interior.  Characters:  Colum  McCormack, 

prosperous  Irish  farmer.  Maurice  Fitzgerald,  rich  young  Dublin 
artist.  Terry  Creigan,  a young  Irish  patriot  in  exile.  Archibald 
Pennywitt,  wealthy  English  tourist.  Michael  Pepperdine,  eminent 
Dublin  barrister.  Shawn  McGilly,'  the  laziest  man  in  county  Kil- 
dare. Ann  Mary  McCormack,  Colum’s  sister,  with  a true  Irish 
heart.  The  Widow  Hannigan,  with  money  in  the  bank  and  an  eye 
on  Colum.  Eileen  Fitzgerald,  a Dublin  Heiress.  Lady  Agnes 
Barricklow,  who  hesitates  at  nothing.  Pegeen  Burke,  servant  on 
the  McCormack  farm.  Rose  Creigan,  a wild  Irish  rose.  A play 
of  the  shamrock,  the  lads  and  colleens;  true  Irish  hearts,  and  Erin 
go  bragh.  An  appealing  story  of  an  Irish  aristocrat  who  marries 
a little  country  girl  against  the  advice  of  his  friends.  The  sub- 
plot carries  the  sympathetic  narrative  of  a brave  Irish  exile. 
Combines  pathos,  sentiment,  dramatic  action,  logical  climaxes  and 
broad  but  clean  comedy.  The  part  of  Rose  is  very  rich  in  its 
warmth,  infection  of  spirit  and  comedy,  and  offers  great  opportu- 
nity for  a clever  ingenue.  Every  role  stands  out  well. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act  I. — An  Irish  farm.  St.  Patrick’s  Day  in  the  Morning. 
Shawn  McGilly  learns  what  Ann  Mary  thinks  of  him.  For  work 
there’s  not  Pegeen  Burke’s  equal  in  the  parish,  but  her  tongue 
it’s  sharp-er  than  a Michaelmas  bog-wind.  The  Widow  Hannigan 
makes  a proposal.  The  exile  in  America.  “He  had  no  gold  and 
he  had  no  high  estate  to  give  to  his  dear  country,  but  he  is  giving 
something  more  precious  than  either;  he  is  giving  her  an  Irish- 
man’s love.”  Rose  and  Maurice.  “It’s  a wild-rose  you’ll  be  until 
your  death,  there’s  no  taming  you!”  A visitor  from  Dublin.  “My 
affianced  wife,  the  future  Lady  Fitzgerald!” 

Act  II. — A St.  Patrick  Day  dance.  Pegeen  and  the  pumps. 
“They  wear  pumps  on  their  feet,  I’m  thinking  they’ll  be  wearing 
tubs  on  their  heads  next.”  The  auto  breaks  down.  The  Widow’s 
curiosity.  Agnes  and  Rose.  “He  would  be  ashamed  of  you  in  a 
month,  would  blush  for  your  ignorance  before  all  his  friends.”  A 
deep  laid  plot  fails.  “Eileen  has  found  her  brother.”  Rose  o’  my 
heart! 

Act  III. — Scene  1.  The  last  rose  of  summer.  Studying  to  be 
a lady.  “Bong  jower,  monseer!”  “Whatever  is  the  use  of  French 
when  an  Irish  brogue  and  an  Irish  heart  is  waiting  and  ready  to 
give  you  an  Irish  welcome?”  Mr.  Pennywitt  tries  to  propose. 
Colum  and  Terry  visit  Rose  in  her  new  home.  “This  is  the  hap- 
piest day  of  me  whole  life.”  A cloud  on  the  horizon.  Agnes  sug- 
gests a quiet  separation.  Rose  rebels.  “I  am  the  mistress  heTe 
and  I bid  you  leave  my  house!”  “ ’Twas  you  who  taught  me  the 
way  of  the  world,  my  lady;  ’twas  you  who  taught  me  how  to  fight, 
and  I am  going  to  win.”  Off  to  the  ball  with  Terry.  Scene  2. 
“Mavourneen!’’  A few  hours  later.  Trouble  impending.  Eileen 
and  Mr.  Pennywitt  return  from  the  ball.  “She  was  the  hit  of  the 
season."  Rose  comes  home.  “This  is  my  brother!”  The  cloud 
vanishes.  “There’s  only  one  woman  in  the  wide  world  for  me, 
and  it  is  you,  Rose;  Rose  o’  my  heart!” 


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DENISON’S  ACTING  PLAYS 

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All  on  a Summer’s  Day,  40  min.  4 6 
Aunt  Harriet’s  Night  Out,  35 

min ••••  1 2 

Aunt  Matilda’s  Birthday  Party, 

35  min 11 

Borrowed  Luncheon,  20  min..  5 
Case  Against  Casey,  40  min... 23 
Doo-Funny  Family,  1 hr......  3 9 

Fun  in  Plroto  Gallery,  30  min..  6 10 
Getting  Rid  of  Father,  20  min.  3 1 
Goose  Creek  Line,  1 hr.......  3 10 

Great  Pumpkin  Case,  35  min..  12 
Hans  V’on  Smash,  30  min....  4 3 

Honest  Peggy,  25  rain. .......  8 

Irish  Linen  Peddler,  40  min...  3 3 

Irish  Stew,  1 hr 6 4 

Just  Like  a Woman,  35  min...  3 3 

Me  and  Betty,  30  min 2 5 

Men  Not  Wanted,  30  rain....  8 
Mother  Goose’s  Goslings,  30  m.  7 9 
Mrs.  FIoops-Hooper  and  the 

Hindu,  35  min 12 

Mrs.  Jenkins’  Brilliant  Idea,  35m.  8 

Mrs.  Stubbins’ Book  Agent,  30  m.  3 2 
Not  a Man  in  the  House,  40  m.  5 

Paper  Wedding,  30  min 1 5 

Pat’s  Matrimonial  Venture,  25 

min.  1 2 

Rumrnage  Sale,  50  min 4 10 

Sewing  for  the  Heathen,  40 

min 9 

Shadows,  35  min 3 4 

Sing  a Song  of  Seniors,  30  min.  7 
Taking  Father’s  Place,  30  min.  5 3 
Teacher  Kin  I Go  Home,  35 

min 7 3 

Too  Much  of  a Good  Thing,  45 

min 3 6 

Two  Ghosts  in  White,  20  min..  8 

Two  of  a Kind,  40  min 2 3 

Uncle  Dick’s  Mistake,  20  min..  3 2 

Watch,  a Wallet,  and  a Jack  of 

Spades,  40  min 3 6 

Whole  Truth,  40  min 5 4 

Who’s  Crazy  Now?  25  min....  3 2 

Who’s  the  Boss?  30  min 3 6 

Wrong  Baby,  25  min 8 

FARCES,  COMEDIETAS,  Etc. 

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April  Fools,  30  min 3 

Assessor,  The,  15  min... 3 2 

Before  the  Play  Begins,  IS 

min 2 1 

Billy’s  Mishaps,  20  min 2 3 

Country  Justice,  15  min 8 

Family  Strike,  20  min 3 3 

For  Love -and  Honor,  20  min..  2 1 

Fudge  and  a Burglar,  15  min.,  5 

Great  Medical  Dispensary,  30  m.  6 
Initiating  a Granger,  25  rnin..  8 
Kansas  Immigrants,  20  min...  5 1 
Pair  of  Lunatics,  20  min.....  11 
Pat,  the  Apothecary,  35  min..  6 2 


M.  F. 


Second  Childhood,  15  min....  2 2 
Smith’s  Unlucky  Day,  20  min..  1 1 

That  Rascal  Pat,  30  min 3 2 

Those  Red  Envelopes,  25  min..  4 4 
Troubled  by  Ghosts,  10  min...  4 
Two  Aunts  and  a Photo,  20  ra.  4 

Wanted:  A Hero,  20  min 1 1 

Wide  Enough  for  Two,  45  min.  5 2 

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Amateur,  15  min 1 1 

At  Harmony  Junction,  20  min.  4 

Cold  Finish,  15  min 2 1 

Fresh  Timothy  Hay,  20  min..  2 1 

Hey,  Rube!  15  min 1 

I’m  a Nut,  10  min 1 

It  Might  Happen,  20  min 1 1 

Little  Miss  Enemy,  15  min....  1 1 
Little  Red  School  House,  20  m.  4 
Marriage  and  After,  10  min..  1 
One  Sweetheart  for  Two,  20  m.  2 

Oyster  Stew,  10  min 2 

Pete  Yansen’s  Gurl’s  Moder,  10m.  1 
Quick  Lunch  Cabaret,  20  min..  4 
School  of  Detecting,  15  min...  2 

Si  and  I,  15  min 1 

Special  Sale,  15  min 2 

Street  Faker,  15  min 3 

Such  Ignorance,  15  min 2 

Sunny  Son  of  Italy,  15  min..  1 

Time  Table,  20  min 1 1 

Tramp  and  the  Actress,  20  min.  1 1 
Troubles  of  Rozinski,  15  min..  1 
Two  Jay  Detectives,  15  min..  3 
Umbrella  Mender,  15  min....  2 
Vait  a Minute,  20  min 2 

BLACK-FACE  PLAYS 

Price  25  Cents  Each 

African  Golf  Club,  25  min....  10  1 
Almost  an  Actor,  20  min ......  2 

Axin’  Her  Father,  25  min 2 3 

Battle  of  Roaring  Bull,  30  min.. 11 
Battle  of  Rollin’  Bones,  30  min.  8 

Black  Vamp,  15  min 2 2 

Booster  Club  of  Blackville,  25 

min 10 

Cash  Money,  20  min 3 

Colored  Honeymoon,  25  min...  2 2 
Coon  Creek  Courtship,  15  m...  1 1 
Coontown  Thirteen  Club,  25  m.  14 

Dark  Secret,  30  min 4 1 

Fu’st  Aid  to  Cupid,  20  min...  3 2 

Good  Mornin’,  Judge,  35  min..  9 2 

Hitting  the  African  Harp, 

15  min 2 

Hungry,  15  min... 2 

Kiss  Me,  Camille,  20  min 2 1 

Mysterious  Suitcase,  15  min...  2 
Oh,  Doctor!  30  min 6 2 


A great  number  of 
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Selected,  fine  for  older  pupils. 
Catchy  Comic  Dialogues. 

Very  clever;  for  young  people. 
Children’s  Comic  Dialogues. 

From  six  to  eleven  years  of  age. 
Country  School  Dialogues. 

Brand  new,  original. 

Dialogues  for  District  Schools. 

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Dialogues  for  Rural  Schools. 

Excellent  new  material. 

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From  Tots  to  Teens. 

Dialogues  and  recitations. 
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For  all  ages;  mostly  humorous. 
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Thirty-eight  original  selections. 
Wide  Awake  Dialogues. 

Original,  successful. 

SPEAKERS,  MONOLOGUES 

Choice  Pieces  for  Little  People. 

A child’s  speaker. 

The  Comic  Entertainer. 

Recitations,  monologues,  dialogues. 
Dialect  Readings. 

Irish,  Dutch,  Negro,  Scotch,  etc. 
The  Favorite  Speaker. 

Choice  prose  and  poetry. 

The  Friday  Afternoon  Speaker. 

For  pupils  of  all  ages. 
Humorous  Monologues. 

Particularly  for  ladies. 
Monologues  for  Young  Folks. 

Clever,  humorous,  original. 
Monologues  Grave  and  Gay. 

Dramatic  and  humorous. 
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Choice  collections,  pathetic,  hu- 
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For  children  from  6 to  11  years. 
The  Surprise  Drill  Book. 

Fresh,  novel,  drills  and  marches, 

SPECIALTIES 

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Monologues,  dialogues,  drills. 
Children’s  Party  Book. 

Invitations,  decorations,  games. 
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Novel  and  diversified. 

The  Days  We  Celebrate. 

Entertainments  for  all  the  holidays. 
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Recitations,  dialogues,  drills. 
Good  Things  for  Sunday  Schools. 

Dialogues,  exercises,  recitatfons. 
Good  Things  for  Thanksgiving, 
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Good  Things  for  Washington 
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Little  Folks’  Budget. 

Easy  pieces  to  speak,  songs. 

One  Hundred  Entertainments. 

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Patriotic  Celebrations. 

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When  Cork  is  King. 

End  gags,  monologues,  sketches. 
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Laughland,  via  the  Ha-Ha  Route. 

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